John Branyan
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Latest post from John's Comedy Sojourn

--- Tolerate Horror ---

I’m not judging you, big guy…

I don’t think everyone knows what ‘tolerate’ means.
Tolerance is allowing morons to live freely among us.
Intolerance is telling me I can’t call a moron, ‘a moron’.
There’s a difference between tolerance and acquiescence.
…I will tolerate you not knowing what acquiesce means.
…I acquiesce that many of you won’t bother to look it up.
I’m tolerant of your absurd “tolerance manifesto”.
…I resist the urge to scrape the idiotic “Coexist” bumper sticker off your car
…I say nothing in response to “Mean People Suck”
…even though it seems mean and intolerant.
I’m tolerating your perpetual call for diversity and inclusiveness.
And your obliviousness to the fact that
…your philosophy is unlivable.
Even you don’t really believe what you’re saying.
Since you are untroubled by the use of fantasy scenarios
as arguments for real-life ideals I submit the following:
“You should tolerate werewolves.”
They can’t help who they are.
When they tear the living flesh from the bones of fellow humans
Who are you to judge them?
…they were born that way.
I can hear you protesting already.
“It’s not right to eat other people’s flesh!”
Obviously you’re shackled to some outdated superstition.
Keep your religion to yourself.
Stop forcing wolf-men to behave like you.
“But I don’t want a werewolf to eat my children!”
So you want werewolves to starve?
Wow!
That’s incredibly hateful!
So, you think you’re better than werewolves
because you don’t kill and eat people.
That’s your opinion.
You’re welcome to it but you gotta admit
…it’s pretty arrogant.
I will allow you your prejudice.
Because I understand what tolerance means.
A few of you
(but not most of you, because you don’t understand satire)
may be saying things like,
“John, werewolves aren’t real.”
That’s your opinion.
Werewolves may or may not be real.
Zombies however, are definitely real.
…They were the majority vote in the most recent election.
Drooling, brain-dead, knuckle-dragging morons
chose the leaders of the greatest country on Earth.
Let me show you how this illustrates tolerance perfectly.
The Oval Office only has one chair.
…we can agree on that, right?
…I suppose truly tolerant guys would make some lap-sitting arrangement.
But no, The losing candidate went away.
Tolerance and acquiescence.
We have to pick ONE ideology.
That ideology is represented in the President.
It’s not the ideology I profess
But I will tolerate the election results.
Did you hear what I said?
I’m tolerating you zombies.
I will not, however, acquiesce to your philosophy.
You thick-headed, self-righteous, godless, child-killing dipsticks
are absolutely wrecking the country.
And if you object to all the “mean spirited name calling”,
I hope you never encounter a werewolf.