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Hello Sinners! Goodbye Church!

** Trigger Warning **

The following post features tons of intolerance.

This is the story of a boy.

He became a preacher, like his father.

Then his father became a woman.

This upset the boy a lot.

Then the boy got over it because of Jesus or something.

And this church now affirms active homosexuals as Christians.

The church says “affirms” because it’s stronger than “welcomes”.

Unrepentant sinners are encouraged to participate in leadership roles.

Encouraged to teach the Bible to lost folks who may not understand it.

Some Bible passages are tricky to understand:

But we know that the Law is good, if one uses it lawfully, realizing the fact that law is not made for a righteous person, but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers and immoral men and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound teaching, according to the glorious gospel of the blessed God, with which I have been entrusted.  – 1 Timothy 1:8

Sinners will need help unpacking complex scripture like this.

Bring in a gay guy!

If you can’t find a gay person, recruit a liar…

…or a murderer.

Really, anyone who operates contrary to sound teaching is an acceptable teacher.

No…not just “acceptable”…

Celebrated!

Because Jesus LOVED immorality!

He was super chill about sin.

He was always saying stuff like, “God made you good. Just be yourself.”**

He told an adulteress woman, “It’s no big deal.” **

He didn’t judge the guys that robbed the good Samaritan!**

He was told the Pharisees, “Stop being self-righteous!  The kingdom of heaven belongs to unrighteous people.”**

He told his disciples, “Just do what feels right in your heart.”**

And those words became the foundation of Westernized Christian doctrine.

Praise the Lord.


**I didn’t cite scripture for these quotes because there isn’t any. Somewhere in the Bible (I think) it says the Word of God will be interpreted differently as culture changes.  So in the words of Jesus himself, “Love wins.”

**Also…this is satire. (It saddens me that I need to say that.)

Some Stuff That Needs Saying About A Horrible Preacher

So you’re reading John Pavlovitz.

Why?

Oh.

Those are good reasons!

You should have your reading comprehension checked.

Nothing Pavlovitz has ever written could be described as compassionate, loving or encouraging.

You must still be working your way through “Dick and Jane” books.

Here’s a reason to dismiss Pavlovitz that doesn’t require you to be literate.

Look at Pavlovitz’ fans.

Atheists, secularists, humanists, and non-religious folks LOVE this guy.

I feel like I need to spell this out for you.

People who don’t like Christians, really like Pavlovitz.

That should make you suspicious.

A Christian pastor should not be wildly popular with non-Christians.

That’s not just my opinion.

“Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way.” – Luke  6:26

False prophets preach false religion.

When you reach the sixth-grade reading level, you will understand this.

Until then, you’ll have to trust me.

Pavlovitz teaches that Donald Trump has a direct impact on the Christian faith.

He teaches that Jesus needs to be saved.

He talks about what Jesus believed but NEVER quotes words that Jesus said.

But the thing that makes him a superstar among the heathen:

He rants against Christians.

A lot.

I feel like I need to spell this out for you.

Christians should not hate each other.

That’s not just my opinion.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.  By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” – John 13:34

There are plenty of sources of compassionate inspiration online.

Pavlovitz is not one of them.

Religion Is NOT Incompatible With Science

Frequently, I cite articles written by humanists/atheists/heathens/pagans/fundamentalists.

I got up on the wrong side of the couch today and lack the resolve to slog through that godless drivel.

Today, I treated myself to an article written by someone who isn’t an idiot.

Over at Shadow to Light, I found an article on the subject of science and religion.

If you want to be thoughtful and reasonable, go read the article.

If you just want to be a dimwit troll, skip down to the comment section and offer your opinion now.

To my fellow Christians who are intimidated by science:

Quit that!

and

Educate yourself!

Notice I didn’t say, “Pray!”

Asking God to “reveal the truth” to your godless friends is a cop-out.

You should ask God to reveal the truth to YOU.

Because if you’re worried that Science has diminished God in any way…

…you don’t know God.

When you’re fearful that science will collapse your faith…

…you have no faith.

Your godless friends are right to ignore you.

It is reasonable to reject a god that can’t withstand the rigors of philosophical thought.

It is reasonable to reject a god refuted by science.

The heathen chant, “Religion is incompatible with science.”

It is silly to respond with a Bible verse.

Because both religion and science are incompatible with stupidity.

Bad Puppy Love

You bring a puppy home.

She’s adorable!

You can see the love in her eyes.

But she chews things.

And she pees on the floor.

You’ll tolerate that for a while.

Because you can see the love in her eyes.

A year later, she still pees on the floor and eats your shoes.

She flunked out of obedience school three months ago.

And her eyes are so full of love.

So what’s the problem?

If you believe that animals have emotions, just like people, then the problem is…

…your puppy is a sinner.

The dog is intentionally rebelling against the rules.

The dog is deliberately being thoughtless and selfish.

No! That sweet puppy isn’t sinning! She doesn’t know any better!

Oh.

Well, if you’re going to say that, I agree with you.

So you bring home another puppy.

You can see the love in her eyes too.

She is housebroken immediately.

She doesn’t chew or bark.

She nuzzles you while you watch T.V.

So what’s the problem?

There is no problem!  She loves me! 

There’s the problem!

You believe animals have emotions, just like people…

…but only when the animal is behaving itself.

When the house catches fire and the dog barks to wake the family…

…you’ll say the animal is driven by devotion and affection.

When the house catches fire and the dog dashes outside, leaving you to burn…

…you’ll say the animal is driven by survival instincts.

Nobody would scold the dog for saving itself over the family.

But what would you say when…

…the house catches fire and Dad leaves the family sleeping inside while he crawls out a window?

No! That sweet man isn’t sinning! He just doesn’t know any better!

Oh.

Well, if you’re going to say that, I disagree.

And I hope you stick to raising dogs, not children.

Please Follow Me To Utopia

We can all agree that people are great.

Right?

I know I’m pretty great.

Most of the time.

Unless I’m driving or shopping or conversing or interacting with other people.

By myself, I’m great.

Which is the central dogma of the Freedom From Religion people:

Just ignore the first sentence about moral progress being brought about by non-religious people.

It’s not true.

But this post is about Utopia, not truth!

If we get sidetracked by the truth, we’ll never reach Utopia.

Because we arrive at Utopia by eliminating religion.

To put it another way:

Humanism thus derives the goals of life from human need and interest rather than from theological or ideological abstractions, and asserts that humanity must take responsibility for its own destiny. – AmericanHumanist.org

I know!  I know!

The statement contradicts itself!

“Humanism thus derives the goals of life from human need and interest” is itself an ideological abstraction.

You’re getting distracted again.

The point is, we’ve got to get rid of religion.

(Yes…Humanism is sort of religious…STOP SIDETRACKING ME!  I’m not telling you again!)

Imagine life without the guilt, shame, judgment, discrimination, and hostility that religious people produce!

Imagine a world governed not by ancient superstitions, but by our innate greatness.

A civilization built on the foundation of human virtue.

Can you see it?

I can!

We wouldn’t lock our doors anymore.

We wouldn’t need prisons.

We wouldn’t need government.

Our children could roam the streets in complete safety.

Every action would be a deliberate effort to benefit all of mankind, rather than just ourselves.

This is how we’re wired!

We don’t need religion to tell us how to behave.

Am I right?

Of course, I’m right!

I’m people!

People are always right.

People are great.

The Church of Hit You With A Club

 

 

This is probably my favorite scene from 2001.

It’s got everything you really want from a movie…

…if you want monkeys beating each other to death with bones.

Every time I see this scene, I have the same thought.

Wow! Religion makes all the difference!

You look confused.

So I’ll explain.

Two rival ape clans are battling over a waterhole.

Earlier in the movie, one clan possesses superior strength and aggression.

They run off the weaker clan and take the waterhole for themselves.

Then…suddenly, a monolith appears amid a swell of dramatic music.

The monolith is a primitive homeschool teacher that helps the apes learn the destructive power of femurs.

Things go badly for the unarmed apes during the next encounter at the waterhole.

(Replay clip if necessary.)

The bone-wielding apes don’t throw down their weapons and apologize to their vanquished opponents.

We’re sorry! 

We didn’t mean to kill you guys!

We have behaved immorally!

Forgive us!

Let’s cooperate for the good of mankind!

Ape-men are primitive…not stupid!

At some point…

(though this isn’t covered in the movie)

…some ape-man came along and asked:

Would you like it if somebody clubbed you to death with a bone?

And the bone-wielders, being honest, had to answer:

Well…no.

Which goes against millions of years of evolutionary progress.

Pitiless, self-seeking progress.

Developing a conscience put the ape-men at a disadvantage.

It’s no fun being the strongest when you feel guilty about it.

Can’t even enjoy the rewards of your violent oppression.

Why would a blind, purposeless universe develop a sense of right and wrong?

HOW could morality exist in a world where survival is the only thing that matters?

Religion answers those questions.

Science does not.

Only a monkey would disagree.

How To Build A Proper Straw Man

Most people don’t recognize a strawman.

Here’s one:

Okay, that one was pretty easy.

There is another kind of strawman that shows up during disagreements…

…or arguments if you prefer.

A straw man is when you set up a distorted version of an argument to argue against.

Here are some examples:

  • Other Person says: “Gun control legislation will not prevent gun violence.”
  • Your Strawman is: “I guess you approve of school shootings, huh?”

 

  • Other Person says: “Abortion should not be legal.”
  • Your Strawman is: “You don’t want women to have health care!”

 

  • Other Person says: “Illegal immigration must be stopped.”
  • Your Strawman is: “You must hate people with brown skin.”

But let’s examine an actual strawman in its natural habitat…a blog comment section.

I offered a statistic that 51% of scientists believe in God or some higher power.

In return, I was offered this lovely strawman:

It’s important to note that a strawman is a distortion of someone else’s position.

A single phrase can’t be a strawman all by itself.

Here’s an example of what a straw man IS NOT:

A strawman can’t stand alone.

So…your point of view can’t be a strawman.

It can be incorrect.

It can be incoherent.

But it cannot be a strawman.

Accusations of “strawman argument” are frequently raised by horrible thinkers.

Because horrible thinkers have bad ideas.

When you restate their ideas so they understand how bad they are…

…they accuse you of building a strawman.

Humanist: “People can be good without God.”

Me: “How do you define good?”

Humanist: “Anything that fosters well-being.”

Me: “Some people experience well-being when they’re selfish and cruel.”

Humanist: “That’s a strawman!”

So be on the lookout.

Not every strawman you encounter will be a likable character on his way to Oz.

But every strawman will certainly be brainless.

BOMBSHELL: King Tut Didn’t Exist

 

Remember King Tut?

The alleged Egyptian Pharoah?

When I was in grade school, I went on a field trip to see the artifacts recovered from Tut’s tomb.

I thought King Tut was a historical person.

But now I know better!

He was made up by ancient Egyptians!

Obviously.

The Egyptians didn’t want to appear weak to other nations.

So they cobbled together a king myth to fool their enemies.

Kinda like what the Hebrews did when they invented “God”.

I figured this out from reading some atheist writing.

Those atheists are whip-smart thinkers!

They give no quarter to faith.

They demand evidence for everything, by golly.

Look at this:

Brilliant!

Demonstrate that God exists so we won’t need faith!

Just some trust in our senses and rationality.

Atheists demand a demonstration that is: observable, testable, falsifiable, repeatable and predictable.

*Atheists: commence smirking because…

No demonstration can meet all that criteria.

So rationality demands we dismiss God as fiction.

…same with King Tut.

I refuse to accept Tut’s existence on faith.

Just the facts, baby!

Free-thought is so intellectually satisfying.

I’d be brimming with smug self-righteousness…

…except for one tiny problem that’s bugging me.

I can’t offer an observable, testable, falsifiable, repeatable and predictable demonstration…

…for my own existence.

So rationality demands that I dismiss myself as fiction.

I’ll wait for a demonstration of my consciousness.

Maybe one of the genius atheists can help me believe in myself.

Of course, the genius atheist will have to prove his own existence to me.

Which will be difficult when I don’t exist myself.

But I’ve got faith the atheists are up to the task!

BOMBSHELL: Nobody Invented The Automobile!

There is some disagreement regarding who invented the first automobile.

On the short list are these names:

  • Nicolas-Joseph Cugnot
  • Robert Anderson
  • Karl Friedrich Benz
  • George Baldwin Selden
  • Gottlieb Wilhelm Daimler
  • Charles Edgar Duryea
  • Elwood Haynes

This is a dilemma for sure!

Fortunately, we can use atheist reasoning to solve the mystery.

  1. There is more than one person claiming to be the first.
  2. It is impossible for all of them to be the first.
  3. Therefore, the automobile is a myth.

Sorry to break it to you.

Your car isn’t real.

Neither is Jesus, by the way:

See the logic?

  1. Multiple people claim to be Messiah
  2. Only one person can actually be Messiah
  3. Therefore, nobody is a Messiah

The same logic works to wipe God out of existence.

  1. There are thousands of different ideas about God.
  2. All the different ideas can’t be right.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

So that’s it.

Case closed.

…except for one little problem.

People exist.

So how did we get here?

The answer: Evolution!

Evolution explains everything.

Including the cars!

Cars evolved from simple machines, naturally, over millions of years.

No inventor needed.

Karl Benz, Elwood Haynes, and the rest are fanciful superstitions.

They are “inventors of the gaps”.

Created by powerful industrialists to control the masses.

The gullible, primitive masses who desperately wanted to believe in personal transportation.

Anyone who says otherwise is deluded.