Astrology is making a comeback among the enlightened youth of America.
What a relief!
Christians have some help keeping mysticism alive!
The Church has done an admirable job of incorporating star gazing into Christian doctrine.
Covertly, of course!
Church folks know witchcraft is forbidden.
So we’ve created Christian Astrology.
This allows us to give God credit for the pagan magic in our lives.
Christian Astrology says stuff like this:
It’s not every church that – in the weeks following the pastor announcing he’s heading towards divorce – sees an increase in attendance, giving, hundreds sign up for life groups and service opportunities, and 13 people baptized into Jesus. I love when the evil one is made a fool by God’s goodness!!
All these great things happening despite the pastor’s family fragmenting!
Makes me wonder why God hates divorce?
With a slight modification, this phrase could appear in the church horoscope:
“In the weeks following the rise of Taurus we’ve seen increased attendance, giving, and 13 people baptized into Jesus!”
Isn’t Taurus great?
Christian Astrology is extremely flexible.
It turns sinful rebellion into God’s will.
Imagine an unwed Christian girl who becomes pregnant.
HYPOTHETICALLY! (Unwed Christian girls don’t get pregnant!!)
The doctrine of American Tolerance allows the church to say stuff like:
She made a mistake. But none of us are perfect! God uses flawed people!
Can’t argue with any of that.
I’m certainly not perfect.
God certainly uses sinful people…
…that’s the only kind of people there are.
But there are a lot of pesky Bible verses about virtuous living.
So the church can’t ENDORSE unwed motherhood…
…at least not during the pregnancy.
Christian Astrology is useful AFTER the baby is born.
Baby and mother are both healthy! God is good!”
The sin of fornication disappears in a cloud of talcum powder.
Babies are adorable so God must be cool with single moms!
We can take back all that crap we said about saving yourself for marriage.
Boys can forget all that nonsense about being responsible fathers.
Like the sign of Taurus rising in the night sky…
…a newborn is God’s seal of approval on sin.
I’ve never read a negative horoscope.
That’s why I’m suspicious of astrology.
I’m even more suspect of theology that turns my whims into God’s truth.