This Is How I Keep Sexism Alive In Church

WARNING: The following article contains sexism, bigotry and discrimination. Reader discretion is advised.

I’m guilty of sexist discrimination.

I treat people differently depending on their gender.

Even at church.

I’ve been discriminating against women for years and I didn’t even know it.

This article convicted me.

I owe my Christian sisters an apology.

Allow me to confess my bigotry.

During every Sunday morning service we take a couple of minutes to greet people.

Often, my friend Jack greets me by sneaking up behind me…

…and grabbing my butt.

Not a gentle pat.

A five-fingered, cheek crushing squeeze.

He doesn’t release quickly either.

He’ll hold on until I make some kind of submissive noise.

“Gaaaaaaah!”

Then, I turn around and punch him in the shoulder or chest (whichever is closer).

And that concludes the greeting ritual.

There’s another dude at my church…

…we’ll call him ‘Conde’…

…who refuses to accept handshakes as greetings.

Instead, he demands I greet him with a ‘holy kiss’ as mentioned throughout the New Testament.

Usually, I respond by punching him in the shoulder or chest (whichever is closer).

Occasionally, I oblige him.

The bible does not specify exactly how to give a ‘holy kiss’.

So there is freedom to express our individuality.

For my ‘holy kiss’, I do a tight, full frontal embrace while pressing my face into the brother’s cheek hard enough to leave lip prints.

As of this writing, Conde is the only person to ever receive a ‘holy kiss’.

And that is why I am convicted.

I’ve never greeted a woman with a holy kiss.

Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable.

What’s worse is…

The reason I don’t greet women by grabbing their butts is BECAUSE THEY’RE WOMEN.

That is sexism no matter how you slice it.

Whew! I feel better already.

Confession is good for the soul.

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