Proponents of disbanding police departments have been asked, “What will happen when somebody commits a crime?” Until recently, the response has been, “You’re a racist.” While that answer is sufficient for anarchists, fascists, and members of the main stream media, it doesn’t actually answer the question. Thankfully, some experts have had some meetings, created some models, and frequently alluded to science so as to be able to issue an expert suggestion.

“We suggest replacing police officers with Care Bears,” said the spokesperson for an anonymous group of experts. “We’ve tried fighting crime with force and it’s time we give ‘Tenderheart’ a try.” The experts made a multi-colored chart showing the use of ‘cheerfulness’ as a deterrent to violent crime and shockingly discovered, “It’s never even been tried!”

“The Care Bear method of law enforcement emphasizes hugs instead of handcuffs,” said cuddly, yellow Funshine Bear. “We know smiles are more effective than rubber bullets. We have been a crime-free community since the 1980’s and we’ve never needed tear gas. Just sayin.”

A new era of law enforcement is upon us. Watch for violent crime to nosedive suddenly as patrolmen, pistols and pepper spray are cast aside for birthday cake, balloons, and bedtime stories. If you own a business, take down the security cameras, pull the bars off the windows, and unlock your cash register because the new sheriffs in town are overcoming evil with cuteness. If it works in the cartoons, there’s no reason to think it won’t work in Chicago.