The comedy writer, Gene Perret tells about the time Phyllis Diller rejected some jokes he wrote for her. “These are not true,” Diller complained. “Comedy has to be true.” That was an important lesson for me. And after 30 years writing and performing comedy, I can add a little bit to Phyllis Diller’s wise observation. “The truth is always offensive.” And at the risk of offending a few folks, I will go one step farther and say, “Only the truth is offensive.”
Untruth can not offend you without your permission. When I say, “Your grandma wears combat boots,” you get to decide how much emotional energy that statement deserves. Is it a good use of your time trying to convince me that I’m wrong about your grandmother’s footwear? At the end of the day, your quality of life will not be improved even a little bit by my accurate perception of how Granny covers her feet.
But you’re still upset because I “disrespected” your grandma? Let’s walk through that together.
- I said your grandma wears combat boots.
- The truth is, she does not.
- My statement is 100% wrong.
- Either I knew I was wrong or I didn’t.
If I did not know your grandmother doesn’t wear combat boots, then I’m a moron. It’s idiotic to assume an elderly woman would wear army issued boots. I’ve never met your grandma or even seen a picture of her but I have seen thousands of other grandmas and none of them were wearing combat boots. Accusing your grandmother of wearing boots is a testimony to my stupidity. It is not disrespectful of your grandmother. She has absolutely nothing to do with my low I.Q. You’re allowing a moron to ruin your day. Let it go!
If I knew your grandmother doesn’t wear combat boots but I said she does, then I could be a bully. I might be a guy who just enjoys hurting innocent people. I disrespected your grandmother because I disrespect everybody. I’m hunting for victims who are easy to hurt. Once again, this has nothing to do with your grandma. This is all about me. When you allow me to hurt your feelings, I win and you lose! You’re giving me exactly what I want, a front row seat to watch you suffer.
There is a third option. I might have said your grandmother wears combat boots to be funny. I was trying to make a joke. You could say it was a terrible joke and you’d be correct. Because…wait for it…comedy has got to be true. The best response to my insult is to say nothing. I’m not worth your time. But if you want to really offend me, speak truth:
“Apparently, you can’t tell boots from Birkenstock. Is this your first day on Earth? My grandmother, if she were here, would make you something to eat in hopes that your stupidity is just low blood sugar and not a permanent feature of your personality. She’s much more optimistic than me. So tell me, did you get that haircut at a salon or in a Kindergarten art class during their first day with scissors?”
Only the truth is offensive. Telling me I have a bad haircut doesn’t offend me, unless I actually have a bad haircut. Calling me a jerk doesn’t upset me, unless I’m actually a jerk. Calling me stupid doesn’t upset me, unless I’m actually stupid. And if I get offended when you tell me something true, that’s not your problem.
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
– John 8:32
4 Responses
Excellent. But seeing that an entire generation or two are motivated by, and only act upon feelings and not facts, and regard all common sense and wisdom as irrelevant, we have come to a place where sarcasm, humor and all the other great twists on language we enjoy, ARE being deemed bullying in most circles, because they are big on labeling things they do not understand. The fine art of learning to “read” people is dead, as it is impossible to discern what someone actually means when one’s life is lived within the confines of a small electronic device. It’s one thing to not know, and another to not care. They simply do not care. #makeAmericafunnyagain
Or perhaps, I’m honoring your grandmother for her military service because she actually does wear combat boots. 😛 (Then again, the woke crowd would take that as an insult also!)
One day, hopefully I will be a grandmother, and I did indeed wear combat boots, while serving in the USAF. I hope we are all still kicking on planet earth when this day comes, because I totally need John to say this to my grandson or granddaughter and FINALLY be right! 😉
I need that too! Let me know when the grandkids are old enough for my revelation.