Christians warring against Halloween have turned October into a month-long game of “We’re not celebrating, we’re just… doing something else.” Every fall, the Church scrambles to invent holy knockoffs like costume parties renamed “Harvest Festivals,” haunted houses rebranded as “Judgment Houses,” and bible stories told by friendly ghosts or moral monsters. It’s participation but with plausible deniability about participation.

Trunk-or-Treat is begging for the efficiency minded. Instead of braving the cold, the dark, or the terrifying realm of secular neighbors, kids can collect their ration of sugar and Red dye #40 by walking between minivans in a lighted parking lot. Parents stand nearby sipping cider, congratulating ourselves for protecting our children from wickedness by confining the ritual to church property.

Costumes are categorized as either “acceptable” or “discouraged” and nobody really knows exactly how these categories are determined. Some claim the Spirit leads them. Others rely on Pinterest. Scary things are banned outright, unless they can demonstrate a theological connection to the horror of sin. Zombies are not allowed, but a child dressed as a tomb with the words “He is Risen” written across it is fine. The ambiguity of robes, togas, and cloaks make them generally acceptable. You can’t tell Jezebel from Mary by her outfit. Just be careful about accessorizing. You won’t get into trouble dressing as a prophet of Moloch unless you also carry a baby doll and lighter fluid.

Mythical creatures fall into a special gray area. Unicorns are blessed because apparently they’re in the Bible somewhere (one verse, badly translated, but it counts). Satyrs are not permitted because those are the wrong kind of half-animal beings and too close to how we picture the devil. Angels are welcome because they skip over Halloween altogether in favor of Advent.

We’ve done to Halloween exactly what pagans did to Christmas…hijacked it. They took a holy day and made it worldly; we took a worldly day and tried to make it holy. The goal of the whole operation is to look festive without admitting this is a party. It’s a delicate dance between “We don’t celebrate Halloween” and “We’re still fun people!!”

“John, you’re such a jerk! There’s nothing wrong with Fall Festivals!!! Reaching out to the community is what THE CHURCH IS SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!”

Reaching out to the community is what EVERY organization does. Every restaurant, coffee shop, insurance agency, auto mechanic, tavern and tattoo parlor is reaching out to the community. They call it ‘marketing.’ We call it ‘evangelism.’ We know it would be wrong to go all-in with demons and death but we can’t let an opportunity to promote our brand slip past! So, we’ve tried to strip the essence of evil out of Halloween to ease our consciences. We’ve convinced ourselves that so long as we discourage vampire costumes and don’t use skulls in our decorating, we aren’t allied with darkness. The Asherah pole isn’t a problem since we don’t put our faith in that stuff. Now we can distribute junk food to our neighbors and call it mission work.

The same candy we drop into plastic pumpkins this month will get dropped into stockings in December. The only difference is the wrapper color. The undiscerning community doesn’t know whether a free Snickers is in honor of chaos or Christ. The church ought to reach out to them, don’t you think?

(Ephesians 5:11) Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.