If we’re going to hit our goal of “a million dead Americans” we need to get busy. The best case scenario is an average of 3300 Americans will kick the bucket every day over the next 12 months. That means the longer we wait to get started the higher the daily death toll. If we wait 6 months, 6600 people will die every day. If we wait 12 months it means ONE MILLION PEOPLE WILL DIE IN A SINGLE DAY!

I’m not an expert but that’s not stopping me from freaking out. Because I’m not an idiot either. I’m staying vigilant. I’m watching the trends. I’m paying attention to what’s happening in our culture. And I’ve figured out what my top priority must be if I’m going to survive this pandemic.

I need to convince all of you that I’m terrified.

Fear is the gauge you’ll use to determine my level of compassion. If I’m not afraid of Coronavirus then I obviously don’t care about people. Unless I agree that the best course of action is shutting down our lives and cowering in isolation for an indeterminate amount of time – you’ll hold me responsible for every death in the United States from now until a Democrat becomes President.

Abject terror is the stuff of heroes. Let those who are the most panicked be our role models! Let us be united in our hysteria!

So I want you to know that even though the bodies aren’t piling up I’m obsessed with thoughts of pending doom. I feel personally responsible for every illness running amok in our country. I should have washed my hands more often. I should have stayed home sooner. I should have been more scared.

At the same time, I know that you are more scared than I am. You’re more concerned, more frightened, and thus morally superior. Your stockpile of toilet paper gives testimony to your virtue. The best people are the most alarmed.

Though the death toll at this point is just a figment of our imaginations the panic is quite real. But it is difficult to maintain a sense of dread when there’s no evidence of cataclysm. We need each other during these uncertain times. When your fear gives way to hope, I promise to crush your spirit. Will you do the same for me?

Because when this is all over, I don’t want to be an outcast. I don’t want to be ostracized for having faith that I’d survive. So I’m going on record as supportive of any frantic measures you suggest. I applaud whatever fearful precautions you dictate. I know you’re really scared so I trust your judgment more than my own. I’m too unemotional to be useful.

I’ll wait here in quarantine for you to update me with the death count. In the meantime, I’m going to watch the polar ice melt.