Ask The Atheist – Should I Move?

1 Corinthians 9:22 compels me to become a godless nitwit under certain circumstances.

Like when atheists ask for advice from godless nitwits.

For example:

As an atheist, I must tell you that you’re a horrible ‘ex-Christian’.

Your question reeks of spiritualism.

If you don’t think God will give you the “desires of your heart”…

…why do you think the universe will?

Ha ha ha ha ha….!

Grow up.

You’re supposed to be rational, remember?

Also…your title, “Personal Stuff” is wrong.

There is no ‘person’.

You’re a sack of stardust.

Nothing special.

As an atheist, what do I do when I ‘really, really want something in my life’?

Take it.

That’s what you should do too.

Grab what you want and hit the road.

Just don’t get caught.

(But if you do get caught, the State will move you into a new living facility for free.)

Houses are very difficult to steal so here are the only other options we atheists have.

Option #1 – Quit Desiring Things

The “desires of your heart” are of no concern to the cosmos.

A new house for you isn’t part of evolution.

Boo hoo.

Get on with your life.

Desires are just chemistry in your brain.

They are illusions.

If you can’t quell your desires, then you have…

Option #2 – Drugs

Narcotics can effectively change your thinking.

Dope your brain into blissful oblivion.

Try alcohol too.

An addiction to heroin will replace your desire for a house.

Dope fiends don’t care where they live.

And if you’re still suffering from disappointment you can’t overcome…

Option #3 – Kill Yourself

No reason to prolong the agony of your living conditions.

End it all.

Somebody else would LOVE to occupy your current house.

You’ll be doing them a favor!

(Which is ultimately futile too.)

And that’s it.

A non-Christian answer to your inquiry.

There is no God.

Your house doesn’t matter.

Neither do you.

55 thoughts on “Ask The Atheist – Should I Move?

  1. Matthew Cross says:

    Of course, if humans don’t have intrinsic value- neither do their questions. Their questions aren’t worth asking- let alone answering. The only reason for an atheist to answer these questions is for monetary value- but of course- money would not have true value either. Money would just be used to prolong the meaningless survival of a worthless life.

    • John Branyan says:

      But Christians are incapable of planning, researching, prioritizing or budgeting.
      Prayer is our only course of action.

      When our kitchen was overrun by ants, I hit my knees and begged God to deliver us from the infestation.
      Apparently, it was God’s will that the ants eat every scrap of food we had.
      Times like these make me wish I wasn’t so devout.

      • I feel you, brother, I feel you.

        I had to go to Confession because I killed a caterpillar that had grown fat munching on one of my poor little dill plants.

        The priest reprimanded me for having so much compassion and empathy for my cute little dill plant, or what was left of it.

  2. Hmm… Option 1 sucks – sounds Buddhist. Granted, Buddhism is leagues less crazy than Christianity,but still reeks of spiritual mumbo jumbo. Looks like it’s drugs or death. Thought, ‘m sure there are other ways to just take it, even if it’s hard… is it a mobile home?

  3. Oh, ouch. That is harsh, but it’s true.

    You could always become one of our angry Buddhists! Let go of all sentimentality, meditate on the impermanence of all things. We’re famous for them, they yell at you, cut you off in traffic, slam doors. They’ve become such a caricature of this area that people just want them to start chanting or go comb the zen garden or something. Like, chillax people, life is actually good.

    • Lol! Where do you live, Insanity? In my first-grader’s geography lesson today, we covered several Asian countries. The monks in her book looked so sweet! 🙂

      • I’m guessing it’s a First World Problem? Not sure, but I think in other countries monks tend to live kind of a stark existence and spend a lot of time in meditation. Here they drive BMW’s, shop at the Whole Foods, and are perpetually cranky.

  4. Hey John … do you know where you can stick this post?

    I may disagree with your perspective on life (which I do) but I would never ridicule your personal outlook. Obviously you find joy and titillation in mocking other people … and that’s sad. Really sad. Especially for one who “claims” to be a Jesus-lover.

    • Nan,

      You seem upset. Maybe try asking former-Christians for advice on what to do (other than pray) when you are angry with someone…
      It would be interesting to find out whether the common answer is, “Tell the other person to do a better job loving Jesus.”

    • John Branyan says:

      Why wouldn’t you ridicule my personal outlook? You afraid of hurting my feelings? Puuuhleeeeze!
      There are hundreds of posts on this blog. Pick one and commence ridiculing!
      You might even succeed in pointing out where I’ve erred. Then, I would adjust my thinking to accommodate the truth you revealed.

      You should cut me a little slack since I don’t know your ‘personal outlook’. Whenever I’ve asked you about it, you told me to read your book.
      I’m not finished slogging through your book yet but so far it’s chock full of mockable ideas. Look for ‘more personal’ mockery in the future.

      For now, I’ll just mention the goofiness of an ‘ex-Christian’ chastising me for not behaving like a proper Jesus-lover. Now, do you understand why your godless pals are so enthralled with this blog? There’s nothing else quite like it on the internet! My post was waaaaaaay more interesting and entertaining than anything the real atheists offered in your comment section.

      • Someone on my blog just informed me I’m part of “a select group that … is made up rather esteemed company” because my post was featured on your blog. I feel soooo much better now.

        BTW, I was quite sure you said you weren’t interested in buying my book Couldn’t resist, eh?

        • John Branyan says:

          Glad you feel better.

          You were confident that I wouldn’t read your book. I told you I would. I even PAID for the damn thing.
          Reading the book takes away your argument that I’m not interested in your point of view. I’ll know your point of view. (So far, it is a hodge-podge of religious and philosophical doctrines from around the world…but I’m sure it will all be made clear in the final chapter.)

          Contrary to what the ‘someone’s on your blog’ are going to tell you, I am not afraid of contrary ideas. It doesn’t hurt my feelings to be told I’m full of crap.
          At the same time, I don’t have any sympathy for whiners. If you want to talk about ideas, let’s talk. If you want to cry because I’m ‘not nice’, I’m just going to laugh.

          Bad ideas should be abandoned. Atheism is a bad idea. So far, “Nan-ism” is pretty bad too. The only thing preventing you from ditching bad ideas is pride.

      • The only thing preventing you from ditching bad ideas is pride. And who determines the definition of “bad ideas”? You and Mrs.M? Bwwwaaahaaaa!

        BTW, I find it interesting that you and Mrs.Mc keep responding to my comments/posts when you yourself said at the end of this post that I don’t matter. Maybe you should keep that in mind …

        Anyway, I’m leaving now. This has really all been a BIG waste of my time as I have a house to buy.

        • (*Puts on Atheist Costume again*) All of life is a big waste of time. You’ve got roughly 75 years (if you don’t end it yourself sooner). Buy a house or travel the world or become a zombie eating Oreos in front of your television.

          It’s all the same.

          🙂

        • John Branyan says:

          I was writing as an atheist.

          And you don’t need to tell us we’re interesting. That’s what happens when you understand you’re made in God’s image.

    • Greetings Nan- I think you have misjudged the post above. This is not ridicule! This is at most reductio ad absurdum. Which probably makes it satire, but I digress. In honesty, this is exactly the kind of answer a sincerely consistent atheist would give. It’s the answers which pay homage to some imagined values or worth in a Godless universe which are (intentionally or not) sarcasm. John is merely giving the answers a REAL atheist would give, which proves well that none actually exist. It’s time we all admitted that ALL of us are Aatheists- we lack belief in the existence of atheists. They can’t exist and there is no evidence for them anyway.

  5. Carmen says:

    “If the atheist had a fully functional, working brain”. . .umm. . . ATHEIST??? With this post?

    Branyan, you are losing it. This post is proof positive. (good alliteration, eh?)

    Oh, and don’t bother replying – just do the same thing I told you to do the other day on another post.

  6. “The “desires of your heart” are of no concern to the cosmos.”

    I’m trying to figure out if we could fit that on a bumper sticker? I’ve noticed a few people have painted over the cross on their “coexist” stickers, so it seems only fair to now contemplate the full nature of non existence.

  7. Jeff Lane says:

    Maybe I’m not nice either but this question brings to mind the Deteriorata,
    “You are a fluke of the universe.
    You have no right to be here.
    Whether you can hear it or not,
    The universe is laughing behind your back.”
    I have to agree why would the universe care if you get a house or not. Secondly He is God not a genie.

  8. sklyjd says:

    To get back to the issue at hand, I do not need a perceived god to unload my problems on. I depend on myself, I have other people to ask and they may be experts regarding the issues. I also have my own positive motivation to pursue what I want and of course none of us can avoid random events, luck and unplanned circumstances that may be either helpful or not in our endeavours.

    Atheists can usually sort out their problems faster because a theist is always waiting for an answer from their almighty.

      • Matthew Cross says:

        You’re right John- answers concerning “should we do ‘this’?” boil down to three forms: yes, no, and wait.
        True answers to our deepest concerns have already been provided for us by Truth Himself- which is even faster than instantaneous, I might add. Out of Truth, comes meaningful answers to all stages and areas of life.
        But until people accept that the Truth exists, they’ll never get true, meaningful answers to their deepest questions.

  9. Sweet mercy! You sir are something akin to brilliant. Maybe Brilliant’s evil twin? This is not only tragically funny, but spot on. I’m just wondering if you have ever found an atheist this honest, or if you have found, like I have, that under the “Hello my name is Atheist” sticker beats a heart that secretly knows God is real and that good and evil are real things. Though I suspect the completely consistent atheist, if he ever existed, is already dead or in jail. Especially if he ever reads this and takes your advice. 😉

  10. Steve says:

    I wonder where atheistic morals come from. Hmm. So interesting. Evolution with a conscience? Sounds like weakness leaving the body. Could that be another step ….. off the poop pile.

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