The nutty conspiracy theorists are yammering about the negative effects of shutting down society to keep from catching the flu. These right-wing, evangelical extremists would have us believe that panic is not the best response to COVID. But the experts agree that living in fear has affected millions of people in lots of different ways and despite what you may have heard from people like Jesus Christ, worrying isn’t ALWAYS a bad idea. Here are just 10 benefits to spending every day overwhelmed by panic.
1. Find work drawing flattened curves.
The COVID pandemic has created a gigantic demand for graphs of sloping curves. These graphs assure panicked people that their hysterical social distancing and hand sanitizing is “flattening the curve” but this assurance brings only short-term relief. New graphs must be drawn every hour. You can channel your panic into producing colorful graphs of flattened curves and selling them. The market is wide open.
2. Avoid family members.
Truth be told, you really don’t like most of the people in your family. Spending time in close proximity to them is the last thing on your priority list, right underneath “die alone.” Your abject fear of illness allows you to move “visit my crummy family” to the bottom of the list. Finally, you can throw your loved ones out of your life without looking like a jerk!
3. Lose weight.
Worrying burns a ton of calories. The additional benefits of relentless anxiety include nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, and ulcers – all of which help you shed pounds. Nervousness is also an excuse to start smoking which not only calms your nerves but curbs your appetite! No diet and exercise program is more effective than sitting alone, puffing a cigarette and fretting about dying.
4. Gain weight
Eat, drink, and be merry because you’ll probably die tomorrow. Then who will get all the food in the fridge? Nobody will blame you for consuming copious quantities of comfort cuisine. There’s no sense in eating healthy when death is literally standing less than 6 feet away. Go ahead and clog those arteries! Spike that blood sugar! COVID is coming for us all anyway.
5. Take credit for compassion.
Wearing a mask, slathering your body with disinfectants, and refusing interaction with other humans are fantastic methods of tricking people into believing you care about them. Observers don’t know what is motivating you to follow every crackpot safety suggestion dreamed up by your Governor. Friends will speak at your funeral about how you lived out your days inside a sterilized plastic bubble, away from viruses, germs, and the possibility of joy because you were selflessly protecting the people you love. They’ll never know you were just scared.
6. Criticize people who are more courageous than you.
Remaining paralyzed with fear earns you the right to speak harshly to and about anyone who decides to live as if 97% of COVID patients survive. You can refer to these people as reckless, irresponsible, careless, unloving, and anti-Christian. You can even accuse them of murder on social media and win the approval of thousands of other basement dwelling germaphobes.
7. Justify being a downer.
Fearfulness guarantees you’ll have bouts of depression. Rather than struggling to find ways to overcome it, you can rationalize it! During this make-believe crisis, nobody expects you take responsibility for your attitude. Rain on parades, ruin holidays, and blame all your toxic gloominess on COVID!
8. Ignore lawn care and home maintenance.
The days of mowing the yard, trimming the hedges, and doing repairs on your house are over! While you cower inside your deteriorating shack, nature will reclaim your property. As long as you’re staying in quarantine, the housing association won’t dare criticize you.
9. Save the money you spent on therapy.
Deciding to fill each moment of your day with dread and desperation means you won’t need to pay a therapist to teach you how to live peacefully and contented. Terror comes naturally. It doesn’t require professional help. You can use the money you save on counseling to buy liquor!
10. Get payed to be dismayed.
Cash-in on your crippling paranoia. Frightened people are easy to control and the government offers numerous incentives to exchange your freedom for the illusion of safety. If you’re willing to identify as disabled, your loving overlords will reward you with free medication to calm your nerves and adjust your thinking. The Government loves you most when you’re afraid.
The collapse of civilization is happening right now! And if you’re not willing to help restore society with rationality, then panic is absolutely the correct response. Don’t let anyone tell you to have faith! Don’t let anyone offer you hope! Stay strong! Stay hysterical!
There are so many good reasons to freak out!
One Response
“10 Benefits of Panic” is spot on! As a Florida resident, I can tell you the media portrayal and reality could not be more at odds with one another. Experienced wisdom, common sense and dsicernment have been cast aside for acceptance of falsified information promoting fear and compliance. The time to stand against it is long past. America quit God, then quit itself, for acceptance of authoritarianism. OBiden buyer remorse is on the rise- but it’s too late