In a bold effort to remove slavery from America’s past, the thirteen states that make up what has been informally known as, “The South” are now officially part of the Midwest.
Everybody knows slavery happened in the “South.” Annexing all Southern states into the Midwest makes the “South” disappear and effectively eliminates slavery from America’s history. If “The South” doesn’t exist, there’s no place for slavery to take hold.
“The great state of Alabama is happy to join our fellow Midwestern states in condemning the South for slavery, bigotry, racism, and boiled peanuts,” said Robert Bentley, Governor of Alabama. “It’s time to hold the Southern states accountable for all their sins.”
The consensus among all the Midwestern states is that the South must be brought to justice. Recently, the Midwestern states of Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia and West Virginia signed the, “Stick It To Southern America Compact” which details the steps that Southern States must take to make amends for racist policies of the past.
The S.I.T.S.A Compact authors are pleased with the scope of their document. “It’s a hard hitting piece of legislature,” said Murphy McDuffy who co-wrote the compact. “The penalties for slavery and racism are severe. It’s going to cost the Southern States billions of dollars in reparations but that’s what they get for being such bigoted, hateful, jerks.”
We reached out to representatives of Southern States for comment and then remembered, there aren’t any.
References to Southern culture can now be replaced with less racially charged language. For example:
- Southern comfort = West of the Atlantic comfort
- Southern hospitality = Local hospitality
- Southern cooking = Regional cuisine
- Southern drawl = Country folk-speak
- The South = Midwest mythology
- Dixie = The Chicks
- Slavery = Not Applicable
- Confederacy = Mordor
With the assistance of the public education system, it is expected to take no more than two generations for Americans to completely forget the country ever had a southern region. Diplomats are working with the rest of the world to change all compass references from, “South” to, “Lower North.”
3 Responses
It’s going to be difficult to remember to drive “lower north” from now on. N, LN, E, W, NE, NW, LNE, LNW . . . . . this could get confusing.
Good one, John!
I have no clue how I got on the Dixie Brands email subscription. I just got an email from Chuck ___?, the CEO. It would be hilarious if he were joking, but he said that Dixie brands would be changing their name, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, in abject remorse that the name Dixie might conjure up angst in anyone at all.
(They didn’t have a name yet – I think they’re struggling to find one; as per your Country Singers post a few days ago.)
I was disgusted with the CEO’s virtue signaling, so unsubscribed and deleted the email. I wish now I had saved the address – I would have forwarded this perfect piece that would have exposed his lunacy. Of course the CEO probably would have barely noticed this passing a mile over his head.
This is great news. Please pass the Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, in a bottle modeled after a beloved mid-western grandma.