Took me a few minutes to cobble together this Oscars acceptance speech.

I haven’t actually watched the Oscars since, ever.

I don’t need to watch the Oscars to hear the speeches.

They are inescapable.

It’s easier to avoid sunrise than the tsunami of self-important blather that accompanies Hollywood awards.

So this year, I’m turning down the volume on my news feed and putting this on perpetual loop:

Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, associates, fellow actors, and all you insignificant people who aren’t involved in the film industry,

Wow! What an honor this must be for you! Do you know how much these clothes cost? Seeing me in this outfit has got to be a highlight of your year if not your whole unremarkable existence.

Here we are again! Time flies, doesn’t it? It seems like only yesterday we gathered to celebrate ourselves but it’s been a whole year! A whole year in obscure isolation. Except for headline news, talk shows, podcasts, magazines, social media, advertisements, and credits at the end of every motion picture – we celebrities are the most unsung people on Earth.

This little statue in my hand means more to me than the millions of dollars I got for pretending to be somebody else. I’m keeping the money but I just wanted to say that so you’d know I’m not only beautiful on the outside but on the inside too.

There are just too many people to thank so I’m not going to bother mentioning anyone specifically. I’ll just say this award isn’t “mine”. It was a team effort and the people on the team are like my family. I want to make that clear right now because after tonight, I’ll be referring to this as “My Oscar” and I don’t want you to forget that I said you were part of my family. We’re splitting up now, just like my family! I’ll be hooking up with a new team, making a new movie, and forgetting the part you played in making this award possible. So put these words in your heart because I won’t be calling to remind you, “I love you very much!”

I want to express my sincere appreciation to the movie fans! You loathsome, uncouth, knuckle-dragging simpletons who, despite my constant expressed revulsion for your existence, keep plunking down money for movie tickets. I applaud your resolve! It is almost as endearing as it is pathetic.

Finally, I must thank the faceless oracles that decide who wins an Oscar. Deep down, I know this system is rigged. Your selection process is an arbitrary set of PC rules and feelings that change according to the political climate at the moment. But even though I know this award is not based on merit or talent and I am simply a pretty face holding a symbol without meaning – I look really good in this outfit. I’m going to put this statue on my desk and remember this night for several days before my insatiable need for affirmation sends me scurrying to my Twitter feed to talk about how Donald Trump is like Hitler.

Good night!