During the COVID-19 pandemic, we all learned that some people are more important than others. Essential people perpetuate civilization. Non-essential people are disposable. The Kellogg company in Battle Creek, Michigan learned the same is true of nutrients.

Kellogg has been fortifying breakfast cereal with “10 essential vitamins and minerals” for decades. Thanks to a recent investigation funded by taxpayers, we know that the cereal company has also been slipping non-essential vitamins and minerals into corn flakes.

A spokesperson for the investigation committee describes the scandal, “We suspect non-essential vitamins are present in many Kellogg cereals but our investigation proved, beyond all doubt, that non-essential nutrients are present in corn flakes. Experts agree that during this pandemic crisis, only essential vitamins and minerals can be allowed to do their jobs. We have all the evidence we need to shut down this billion dollar industry and save lives!”

When asked how the committee determined which vitamins were non-essential, the spokesperson responded, “It is disappointing that you would even ask that question. Don’t you care about people? I care about people! Everyone in this committee cares about people! We’re out here every day risking our necks to keep you safe! It wouldn’t hurt to show a little gratitude, you selfish fiend!”

At this point, the interview ended because the clouds parted and the investigative committee ascended into heaven.