A Christian business owner says he feels no remorse for terminating the lives of several looters in his shop because he doesn’t think of them as people. Raymond Merch, who owns ‘Kingdom Come – Bakery and Pizzaria,’ testifies that pro-choice politics rescued him from poverty and despair.

“I just wasn’t ready for looters in my life,” Merch explained. “The shop is my property, my choice. My partner and I crunched the numbers and there was just no way we could afford a horde of looters breaking into the place and stealing our entire inventory. So, together with our doctor, we made the heartbreaking decision to stop our invaders’ hearts from beating.”

After the killings, Merch wrestled with guilt for several days. “I’m a Christian so I’m not supposed to commit murder. For awhile, I felt like gunning down those looters made me a bad guy. I couldn’t sleep. I lost weight. I cried a lot. Pro-life Christians were no help. Those zealots just heaped shame on me!”

Merch’s life was saved when compassionate pro-choice Christians reached out in love. “The pro-choice people helped me understand that those looters weren’t human beings. They were just fetuses outside their wombs. When I started thinking of the looters as “older embryos,” I didn’t feel bad about killing them. In fact, I saved them a life of suffering. Looters are unwanted and unloved. Their lives are not worth living anyway. My shooting them was a noble act of mercy. Killing them was actually loving them. That’s what Jesus commands us to do!”

Merch faces no charges for the killings since murdering fetuses is understood to be “healthcare.” He was able to dissect the looters’ corpses and sell the parts to a medical research facility. “The money from selling those body parts helped me repair the damage to my shop! God is good, all the time!”

When asked if he harbors any resentment toward pro-life Christians, Merch responded, “I’m starting to think of them as older embryos.”