That’s actually a fantastic idea.
Maybe I’m biased but I’ll ignore that possibility for the sake of this article.
The problem is a rational person won’t ask a comedian for advice.
For my plan to work, I’ll need to find some irrational people.
No problem!
Slate.com is a mother lode of cognitive dissonance.
I’ll pick out a loony question at random and respond with unsolicited wisdom.
My co-worker and I work together really closely on a project that involves working with kids a lot. Last winter, I had a baby and immediately jumped into this project after returning from maternity leave. It was high-stress and I struggled with coping with the long hours and solo parenting while my husband was out of town for long stretches, and I was later diagnosed with postpartum anxiety.
Midway through our project, my co-worker noticed a crying child and instead of asking me if I could help in a neutral, professional way, he told me to “go be maternal.” I was shocked in such a way that it didn’t register for a while, but suddenly our entire dynamic shifted. Where we’d been a great team before, suddenly I felt myself quick to anger, quick to give the silent treatment, and quick to jealousy when I saw him treating other female co-workers as more than mere mother figures. I confronted him about it, and he apologized, but I cannot let it go. I know it’s partially my fault for not accepting the apology (I told him I did at the time because what was I supposed to do?) and partially because it was an offhand sexist comment delivered at the exact wrong time when I was insecure about everything, from how good I was at my job to my qualifications as a mother. I keep getting frustrated with this co-worker and want to just burn it all down with him, but I know it’s a bridge I can’t burn, so I feel trapped.
How do I move toward where I can accept this apology and repair a good working relationship so many months later? We share an office with a hot, talented non-mom who I think he has a crush on, which makes it even worse.
Great question! Fortunately, the answer is so simple that even a stressed out solo parent can understand it. Here it is:
Get over yourself.
You have nothing to forgive. Your co-worker didn’t owe you an apology in the first place. The word, “maternal” is not an insult. For centuries, women considered it a compliment. Remember when you told me, “Last winter, I had a baby…”? That’s what the word means! Your co-worker undoubtedly noticed your prolonged absence from work during ‘maternity leave’ and concluded that when you returned to work you would be a mother. And for the record, he was correct.
The “dynamic shifted” because you’re a crazy person. It is not “an offhand sexist comment” to call a mother “maternal” any more than it’s inappropriate to call an iceberg, “chilly”. Crying children like maternal people and the most maternal people on Earth ARE MOTHERS!
Shame on you for saying you, “share an office with a hot, talented non-mom”. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say! You realize your co-worker is more than a mere hottie, don’t you? Just because she doesn’t have a baby, like you, doesn’t mean she’s unworthy being someone’s crush. Not everyone is maternal. Has your co-worker ever told the non-mom to, “Go be hot”? I’d wager not. Seems to me YOU are the sexist.
The good news is: now that you know it, you can start working on it! Step one is lookup words in a dictionary before you freak out when somebody applies them to you. Step two would be to apologize to your co-worker for your psychotic reaction to his innocuous statement. Step three is to quit using the word “mere” in front of the word “mother”. You are degrading an entire group of human beings who have contributed greatly to mankind. It’s not okay to talk smack about mothers just because you are one.
One Response
Good answer, John!
You could build a whole career based on this “advice column”.
Why the heck is there an advice column on Slate, written by a guy whose pen name is “Prudence”? (I imagine that name belongs to a Quaker Lady, full of common sense, but noooooo.) He is definitely not Prudent answering the unbelievably stupid and looney questions in nauseatingly serious yet equally looney and idiocy-supportive ways. This is a nightmare advice column, advancing the decay of civilization. You did well to highlight this.
“All the world’s a stage”, and you are using your platform well, John.
Thank you for your creative, intelligent, common sense filled and delightful work.
You, and your family, are in my prayers.