Vegans around the country are both surprised and elated by the glut of vegan meat products that are suddenly available as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. An unintended consequence of panic-buying, butchers everywhere are offering a cornucopia of options for vegetarians.

The chairman of The Beef and Poultry Commission said, “We’ve decided to look on the bright side of America’s food crisis. We haven’t run out of meat. We’re awash in vegan cuisine!”

For the first time since, well, ever…the meat section of your local grocery store offers an infinite variety of items to appeal to your vegetarian palate. Whether you are a strict vegan, lacto-ovo-vegetarian, or fall somewhere on the hypocritical scale of “occasional” vegetarian, you can find something in the meat display case to fit your dietary guidelines.

As businesses continue to collapse under the imposed pandemic protocols, the inventory of vegetarian foods is expected to skyrocket. That’s great news for a small segment of our population. “Animals are friends, not food,” said a member of Vegans Against Humanity. “When all the shelves in all the stores are finally empty, the Earth can begin to heal.”