A study in Ecology Letters reports that extreme sexual aggression is causing female Hermann’s tortoises to start walking off cliffs. I’m skeptical. Tortoises have so many other reasons for walking off cliffs, I find it unlikely that this study has identified the correct cause.

There are few opportunities for female tortoises in the job market. These gals could be overwhelmed by their stagnant career trajectory. They had hoped their lives would consist of more than sunbathing. They yearned for meaningful work and the realization that they will never be doctors, lawyers, or social media influencers quite literally ‘sent them over the edge.’

Or, maybe they’re protesting ICE. Realizing they have no way to block traffic, they chose gravity as their protest strategy.

Or, maybe this has something to do with tortoise lack of access to healthcare. Since they’re out of network, none of their insurance claims are valid. The cliff seems like a good idea because they’re off their meds.

Or, maybe this is a response to something Doug Wilson said. His toxic teachings have proven to cause females in other species to lose all self control.

Or, perhaps their frustration is more basic. A tortoise torso is dome shaped, so it’s impossible to find a flattering sweater vest. The lack of fashion options may be enough to push some of them to despair.

Or it could be anxiety over student loans, or climate change, or trans issues, or racism, or Donald Trump, or tariffs, or evangelicals, or animal rights, or artificial colors, or modern art, or the color yellow, or microplastics…

Or maybe they’re just tortoises. Maybe they operate differently from humans and applying motivations to their behavior is folly. Like accusing tornados of hating trailer parks.

Our own thoughts and motives are mysteries. Yet, we think we understand the mind of reptiles.

(Job 39:13) The wings of the ostrich wave proudly, but are they the pinions and plumage of love? For she leaves her eggs to the earth and lets them be warmed on the ground, forgetting that a foot may crush them and that the wild beast may trample them. She deals cruelly with her young, as if they were not hers; though her labor be in vain, yet she has no fear, because God has made her forget wisdom and given her no share in understanding.