Quick reminder to my friends posting about their divorce(s) that getting hit by lightning is different from getting divorced.
You talk about your divorce(s) like it’s something totally outside your control. To hear you describe it, broken marriage flashed down from the sky without warning. You were living life, loving generously, selflessly pouring into your relationship when all of a sudden a divorce blew everything to pieces.
Now you’re posting on social media to let the world know how strong and brave the experience has made you. Your shattered families are just another ‘step in your journey.’ You’ll survive! You’ll thrive! You’re wiser than those of us who live in narrow-minded monogamy. Your divorce was actually an opportunity for growth!
“JOHN! You insufferable, self-righteous jerk!! You don’t know the circumstances!!! YOU CAN’T JUDGE UNLESS YOU KNOW THE CIRCUMSTANCES!!!! YOU JERK!!!!”
I don’t need to know ‘the circumstances’ to say lightning and divorce are not the same. When you present your failed marriage(s) as random acts of nature, you’re misrepresenting ‘the circumstances.’ You’re ignoring the role you played in the debacle and your more gullible friends will reference your failure(s) to justify their own. Be honest. You think your divorce(s) qualify you to give advice to friends struggling in their relationships, right?
It’s true that I haven’t ‘walked in your shoes.’ That’s intentional. You might as well stop talking about your failed marriage(s). Busting up a relationship is easy and your insight is unnecessary. At the same time, we who are trying to keep our families united won’t be following in your footsteps.
(Matthew 19:4) “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
4 Responses
Believe me, I do not talk about my divorce as if it was totally outside of my control. Mistakes were made on both parts and I will admit to mine, three of which were my being too involved with the kids and being too lax in my housekeeping and a confessed night owl… I was however a very good cook, never undone laundry and always on time no matter what. A good and faithful wife, a worker in all aspects of the church and a good daughter and friend. He was a good worker and provider and I will be always thankful that his income allowed me to stay at home and raise my kids, a luxury so many women do not have. He had a previous marriage with a daughter from that union. He was just fresh home from Viet Nam. Two years after we started a rocky relationship that resulted in a ‘have to’ marriage and a daughter from that. I can see you rolling your eyes as you adjust your halo. You cannot pompously sit there and know the circumstances of what others go through or where our hearts are at that time. We were both raised in the same church and had known each other all of our lives. We know what the Word says and we know when we fall short of ‘perfectly’ living those Words. We both had good intentions and 6 years later had a son. We were together for 30 years. Sins and shortcomings can be overlooked for a long time on both parts until it can’t be. Unforeseen obstacles can be disastrous in a marriage when both are not united and working together. My health was declining and medical issues became burdensome. Our vows tell us that we will stand together in sickness and in health. It sounds great while standing there with family gathered around you and you are young and beautiful and able. But when reality sets in and you are really faced with half of your union unable to perform as they once did, then it isn’t such a fun thing. I so admire those who nurse and tend to their spouse in such loving ways and stand tried and true to their vows and commitment. So many don’t and unless you actually have served or been served in that way you have NO IDEA the toll it takes. So yes, you see this as my undying attempt to let the world know how strong my divorce has made me. It has..I only had the skills of a stay at home mom and was left at age 47,unable to work many ways because of health issues , with one child at home, Then when the bills started rolling in, a home in repossession, and everything else that followed I was overwhelmed. What could have brought this all on? A man (my ex) who had been supporting a 20 year old stripper which he left us for. No, I was not in the dark about his cheating, just didn’t know that it was her. I had begged for us to seek counseling for many previous years…..two have to be on board for that. I take responsibility for what I contributed to my marriage, but cheating was not one of them. It has been 22 years since my divorce and I have not had any relationship since then. I glory in those who can seek another marriage after such devastation, but I am not one of them. Kudos to you in your wonderfully monogamous marriage….it is what I thought mine would be….BUT, do not become too self-righteous (you seem to be on that path) you still have years left and you still have children in relationships and you still have grandchildren coming up. If nothing else, I do feel that I am a shoulder for those who are going through such things and I am one who knows by living it. I sure wouldn’t want to unburden myself on someone like you if I was just experiencing the total loss of my dreams and hopes, not to mention my children’s loss. Your coldness is obvious…that is the last thing people like me need. My ex has recently been diagnosed with PTSD and has health issues from the Agent Orange our government subjected him to as a Marine fighting for what he believed in way back in 1968. Do not judge what he has gone through or what our family has survived throughout the 30 years together. Oh I know, if we live and obey then God will make everything wonderful. I believe that God is with us always and that He hurts when we make bad decisions, but I also believe that He can take our bad decisions and turn them into something good, if not always for us, but for that friend or unknown person that we told our sad and forced on them sinful recount of a relationship that was derailed because of our seemingly selfish desire to bust up someone else’s relationship. Don’t preach to us Matthew 19:4….we all know it by heart. Save it for your self righteous church friends…you and others like you is one reason I left the church. How can I be a part of a ‘social club’ that thinks so little of me. I study with those who are flawed and know it and are seeking and working each day to better themselves and to put into motion God’s real intentions for our lives. Thanks John for your thoughts as we still have the liberty of free speech, but do not judge me for what I have been through. I don’t think your kind of faith could survive such hurdles.
In our depraved, corrupt culture that mocks absolute Truth, it is deplorable and disgusting how people misuse tech addiction to mislead others, who suffer from the same detachment disorder to fellow humans, as they. Everyone has a grandstand on which to spew forth outright, intentional lies to mislead others. I have even seen a trend in “Christian” artists, lately, being “Honest” about their doubts in God, with pages of “fans” to THANK them for expressing their doubt, so they too can feel good about expressing their doubt! I know we live in upside down world, but are not the CHRISTIANS the ones who know without a doubt, which side IS up? Not what we see, and sadly, watered down, inaccurate culture inclusive doctrine started dribbling into our church, becoming a steady stream, as we, sadly, recently had to part ways, being convicted by the Holy Spirit to not sit under erroneous teaching. Erroneous, based in direct comparison to Scripture, the only authority. As for the marriage portion of your post, the same applies- humanist world views creep into relationships, start small, weeds in the tiny cracks, that you either do not notice, or choose not to acknowledge. Like in the Casting Crowns song (still believing at the moment that they are the real deal) it’s a “slow fade”. I was married in 1993, divorced in 1999. My husband had a drinking problem, we were both “Christians” but from different backgrounds (his was Catholicism) and Christ was never the center, but an outlier, in our marriage. In Indiana, one can divorce a partner, even if the partner does not want a divorce. Man’s laws do not always reflect God’s laws, but this law’s alleged intention has it’s place in cases of abuse. I became a divorced woman with an amazing son (now an amazing man!) who, seven years later, met and married my now husband of almost 17 years (next week!) The second year was almost splittsville. Two divorced people with more baggage than a 747 cargo hold, BUT who both intimately knew, loved and honored Jesus. Daily. Through every struggle. Through every victory. we have gone on, and continue to do so, but will just end this by saying that divorce is damaging. It is painful. Regretful. And destroys the God ordained dynamics of the family unit. Forever. It is not to be celebrated, seen as a victory or an accomplishment. A TRUE Christian would never see it as part of God’s plan for his OR her’s life. But like all failures in life, if we are wise, we learn from them and humbly move on. Stronger? I was an independent (no assistance, in arrears child support recipient) but not because of a failed marriage, but because of my unending, undying FAITH in a conquering God, who I depended on, daily, to have my back. And He DID
Indeed. Humans are now all about “feelings” of the moment, living on, and for whims, fleeting impulses without substance, accelerated by tech addictions and the ability to get affirmation from strangers, and even bots, that sustains and encourages them. They are inept in real relationships, most have severe detachment disorders to their own family (and outright disdain and hatred) from older relatives that they blame for the world’s failures, but from whom they could and should gain the most wisdom and assistance, in these relationships
What I’m flummoxed by are the people who talk about how they get along great with their spouse, but they’re divorcing because the sparks are no longer there.
I understand (though don’t necessarily agree with) a divorce because you can’t get along and fight constantly. Unfaithfulness, abuse, substance abuse, and the like make sense. What doesn’t make sense is people who genuinely like one another throwing a grenade into their families for the sake of “the tingles.”