According to the postcards arriving daily in my mailbox from your church, it’s almost Easter time! This is the one of two times during the year when I spend time thinking about which church I’m going to sit in judgment over. Lots of churches want me to attend their service so you have tons of competition. I’m not going to squander my Easter Sunday in a sub-par worship experience. I have a few things that MUST be offered by your church for there to be any hope that I’ll bless your congregation with my presence.

1. Beg me to attend. Send me a postcard that repeatedly tells me how excited you will be if I join you. Tell me how happy you will be when I walk through the door. If you don’t make me feel important on Easter, you’ll not see me on Christmas Eve.
2. Feed me. At the very least, offer donuts and coffee. A full breakfast bar with omelets, cereal, and a couple of kinds of meat would not be going too far.
3. Hide some eggs. The egg hunt is an important tradition in my family. The eggs themselves should be plastic and filled with candy, NOT BIBLE VERSES. I refuse to subject my children to the soul crushing disappointment of getting scripture in the place of chocolate.
4. Entertain my kids. Things don’t go well when I sit with my kids in church. Take them to another room so I can focus my attention on criticizing the worship service. Do not bore my children or we will talk about your horrible kid’s program on social media. A visit from the Easter Bunny is essential.
5. Dazzle me. I’m only giving you one shot at this so make it good. I’m not interested in your usual weekly services which is why I never show up for them. Change-up everything that you normally do on Sundays because I’m NOT going to be impressed by your traditions.
6. Skip the concert. I do not like contemporary worship. Listening to your band perform music that I’ve never heard before is tedious. Remember, I’m not impressed by your traditions. I can hear talented musicians perform music on Spotify.
7. Skip the sermon. I’m not showing up so you can preach at me. Just tell me I’m awesome and that God loves me. That shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.

So many churches are already following my orders that it’s impossible to tell one from another. Trying to decide where to attend is making me anxious. Come to think of it, I might be interested in going to a church where Jesus gets all the attention on Easter, rather than church visitors. Do you know of any places like that?

“For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.”

(1 Corinthians 2:2)