Mitt Romney (a Senator) proposed the United States government send a thousand bucks ($1000) to every adult American so they can “meet short term obligations” and “increase spending in the economy”. It’s exactly this kind of warm-hearted compassion that reminds me why politicians are awful.

If I ever get the chance to sit down with Mitt Romney over coffee (caffeine free, of course) to discuss this proposal I would adopt a genial posture and smile effusively. I would keep my tone friendly. Then, I would say…

Mitt, that thousand bucks you’re giving me started out as my money. I sent it to you (via the IRS) just a few months ago. You political types in Washington assured me that it was going to be put to good use. You were going to put that money to work building a better America for me and my family.

I’ll admit I was skeptical. In my heart I believed I could do a better job spending that thousand bucks than you and your cronies. I think you guys are pretty stupid with money (no offense).

Now we are in the midst of a pandemic so you’re going to give my money back to me?!!! This is a tacit admission that I was right. A thousand bucks in my hand is better than 250 billion in yours.

Mitt, if you really want to help, then declare 2020 the year of “No Income Tax”. That would actually help me meet short term obligations. That would increase spending in the economy too (as soon as businesses are allowed to re-open).

Do you know what’s going to happen, Mitt, if you guys actually implement your idea? You’ll muck it up. You muck everything up. You’ll send money to minors. You’ll send money to people who aren’t citizens. You’ll send money to dead people. It will cost millions of dollars to administrate this give-away. Who is going to pay the administration cost? (I already know the answer to this…me!)

If I need a thousand dollars cash from the government to meet my short term obligations then I’m in real trouble. I’ve mismanaged my funds. I’ve been unwise. A windfall profit won’t fix my problem. I’ll just spend that money stupidly, like you guys in Washington.

Mitt, listen to me, money doesn’t solve most problems (I’m still smiling effusively). If I weren’t such a genial chap it would annoy me that you, an elected official and a billionaire, are clueless about this simple truth that I learned as a child.

Would a thousand bucks help you meet short term obligations? Your shoes cost more than a grand. A thousand bucks doesn’t cover your butler’s weekly salary. If $1000 dollars doesn’t fix your problems what level of oblivious conceit is necessary to believe it will fix mine?

It’s a virus, Mitt. Money doesn’t kill viruses. Money doesn’t bring people back from the dead. And don’t forget we’re still talking about MY money, not yours.

The most disturbing aspect of your proposal is that it’s going to be popular. Lots of Americans are looking to the government to save their lives. They believe you political types have magical powers. They believe this because of guys like you, Mitt, who propose that a check will magically erase suffering. These Americans will sing your praises. You’ll be a hero!

I’ll be a villain for reminding everyone that the money you’re giving them came from me. I’ll be denounced for my hateful selfishness. And you’ll say nothing in my defense, right Mitt? You (and your cronies) will take credit for the compassion you bought with money you took from me.

And you’ll audaciously send me a thousand bucks to help me “meet short term obligations”. (Still smiling) I hope you understand that I’m not going to thank you.