Despite the accusations from my accusers who accuse me of watching helplessly while panic and fear spill over the globe like ten gallons of milk in a five gallon bucket, I’m taking action!

I focused all my powers on the Coronavirus problem and the results are impressive, inspirational and incoherent. I’m broadcasting helplessly while panic and fear spill over the globe like…you know.

My blog readers may not realize that I am capable of issuing spoken words. It’s true. Sometimes I communicate in non-written form. I speak!

And I have friends too! That’s not something you would expect if you only know me through my sarcastic, mean-spirited, judgmental, arrogant, condescending, divisive blog content. I have the ability to adapt my communication methods to different circumstances. For example, I don’t introduce myself to new people by saying,

“I’m John. Here’s what I think about politics and religion.”

A couple of my friends and I have created a comedy show that streams live on Facebook and YouTube. I want to be careful and not raise expectations too high. This show will undoubtedly save thousands of lives.

Of course, we’ll never know for sure. Testing kits aren’t widely available. It is difficult to trace the spread of joy and laughter. Humor is immune to social distancing and the tiniest smile is outrageously contagious. Watching this show is the comedy equivalent to buying a pound of raw meat at a Wuhan wet market.

It’s a live show which means you can interact with us. That’s part of the fun. You talk to us and we can talk back. You can’t do that with Netflix. You probably can’t do that with your spouse either.

So join me tonight for the Starving Comic’s Quarantine Show. Show starts at 7pm Eastern time but if you’re online a few minutes early, you can listen to our mic check! We’ll be saying “testing” and “check…check…” just like the professionals do at those illegal shows in public places.

I hate the thought of using a global crisis to manipulate you but it’s such an effective promotional tool that I can’t pass up the opportunity. If you love your family, you’ll gather them to no closer than 6 feet from you (and each other) and watch this show. If you do anything else this evening, people will die.

…also, share this link.