An interview conducted with some burning shrubbery has revealed that practicing social distancing is God’s plan for achieving holiness. The shrub was discovered by an alcoholic as he tried to break into a tavern in Nevada.

“The bars have been closed for so long, I finally cracked,” explained the Anonymous Alcoholic. “I noticed the burning bush but didn’t pay it too much attention until it started talking. It said, ‘Be holy as I am holy.’ So I asked, ‘Should I stop breaking into this tavern?’ And the voice said, ‘I require only that thou stay in thy house until thy soul leaves thy body.’ And then the sky opened up and surgical masks fell and covered the ground.”

The new commandment has shocked some in the religious world but others are not even a little surprised. “This confirms what I’ve suspected all along,” said Dillon Fork, a minister with the Church of Maximum Enlightenment. “Those of us demanding permanent lockdown knew we were doing a great work of righteousness. It’s nice to have confirmation from the omnipotent creator of the universe. I’m looking forward to gloating on social media!”

Others are less excited about the sudden change of protocol. Gertrude Gifford is 92 years old and has been a Christian most of her life. “I feel like I wasted a lot of time repenting of sin,” she confessed. “For goodness sake, I want all my tithe money back!”

Perhaps the hardest hit by The Almighty’s recent proclamation are the so called, “essential” workers. The mandate guarantees that although their services may be selfless, courageous, and beneficial; they are ultimately unholy.

For most people, however, this is good news. In the past, living a life of holiness required a lot of sacrifice. It meant following complex rules of behavior that were often inconvenient and damaging to the ego. It meant imitating Jesus which, to be perfectly honest, was impossible. It’s much simpler now. To be holy, just stay in your house until you die.