The Gerbil Dedication is a public declaration of the pet owner before God and man acknowledging with gratitude that a gerbil is a gift from God. Recognizing that you need God’s wisdom and help in raising your gerbil and with His help you will do your best to set the example for this gerbil to follow in the way of the LORD.

COMMON QUESTIONS REGARDING GERBIL DEDICATION

Why should I dedicate my gerbil?

The Bible provides an example. Mary and Joseph took baby Jesus to the temple to be dedicated to God. As followers of Christ, we also should want to make the public declaration to our family, and our church.

Where in the Scripture does it say to dedicate gerbils?

The Bible doesn’t specifically mention gerbil dedication. But then, it doesn’t mention baby dedication either and nobody objects to that so…

What if I am not married but I have sex with someone who owns a gerbil?

Now you’ve gone and made everything awkward. If we forbid your participation, you’ll get your feelings hurt and probably leave the church. If we allow you to participate while in clear violation of something the Bible actually DOES teach about, it reveals the whole ceremony to be pointless. Please call the church and speak with our Minister of Family Services Special Circumstances.

I don’t have a gerbil, can I dedicate my cat?

Gosh, we didn’t think about cats. I suppose it’s okay to dedicate your cat at the Gerbil Dedication Ceremony.

What about my dog?

Yes. Fine! You can dedicate your dog.

What about my…?

YES! Any species of animal is fine!!

What if I am allowing my gerbil to choose its own species?

Seriously?! Good grief. Okay, um…I guess we will allow it so long as the thing being dedicated is some kind of life-form.

Can I dedicate my grandmother’s bridal veil?

For crying out loud! No! That’s just weird.

What if my grandmother was a godly woman who greatly influenced me in my faith?

I’m sure your grandmother was a lovely person but her bridal veil isn’t alive!

Can you suggest the name of a more inclusive and Christ-centered church we can attend?

Yes. Please call our Minister of Transfer Recommendations.

My spouse and I are Buddhists, can we dedicate our gerbil to inner enlightenment?

*Sigh*

I don’t own any pets or bridal veils. This ceremony makes me feel excluded and unloved.

You know what, we give up. If you want to dedicate a hamster, a pot roast, a drawing of a bridge, or a fond memory from childhood – come on up! We will bless whatever cockamamie situation you throw at us. Serves us right. We shouldn’t have created this stupid ceremony in the first place.