When experts discovered that singing in church causes disease to spread across the country like butter over a hot ear of corn, totalitarian concerned government officials banned singing. Experts have now determined that laughing is even more destructive to the health and safety of mankind than singing so powerful oligarchs humanitarians have formally banned happiness.

“Our findings are the result of extensive, scientific research,” said Oliver McDurf who wears a lab coat and bifocals just like scientists you see on television! “We tracked down the three people in the country who don’t have Facebook accounts so they are still capable of laughter and placed them in a theater with 500 ordinary citizens. We subjected the group to a screening of ‘Blazing Saddles.’ Despite the fact that only 3 people laughed, the entire audience tested positive for COVID-19.”

Congress has officially categorized the sense of humor as a weapon of mass destruction. Telling jokes is an act of terrorism and is subject to prosecution. If you see anyone engaged in giggling, tittering, snickering, chortling, or displaying excessive good cheer, report them to the nearest authority that hasn’t been defunded.

Just don’t go too far! “We’re currently studying the effects of crying on the spread of infections,” McDurf cautioned. “It’s quite likely we will be recommending a ban on despair. In the coming weeks, we’ll let you know which emotions are safe and which ones will bring a swift death to your loved ones.”