I had an idea when I heard that the University of Pennsylvania let Lia Thomas participate on the women’s swim team. According to regressive nitwits who cling to the superstitious beliefs of biological gender, Thomas is not a woman. As one of those regressive nitwits, I suggested swim teams add a trans-human (dolphin that identifies as a person) to their roster when they oppose the University of Pennsylvania.

The dolphin would have a few biological advantages over the regular humans on the team, but college sports should be about inclusion, not competition. It would be cruel to deny any qualified person a spot on the team just because they were born with flippers, a blowhole, and a dorsal fin.

When I expressed this to my friends, they thought it was a great idea. So, I dressed in sackcloth and sat in a pile of ashes to mourn. I don’t want to live in a world where my insane suggestions are given thoughtful consideration. I don’t want to be the most reasonable guy in the room. The dolphin on the swim team was intended as a punchline. Let us weep for comedy is dead!

I’m a man in crisis. I can’t do my job when the most absurd jokes are being written into law. Just a few years ago, I had a joke about how there should be surgical masks at salad bars. Get it?!!! Surgical masks at salad bars!!! Hahahaha! (sniffle) Thinking about it puts a lump in my throat so I’m moving on.

Our leaders are legislating the best comedy. I heard Toby Sumpter mention Proverbs 28:15 in a sermon. Bad leaders are worse than charging bears. That means, if a charging bear runs for office, I should vote for it. You’re nodding in agreement. Back to the ash pile I go!

A bear in leadership would be an improvement over our current circumstances. There would be no Executive Orders since bears can’t sign their names. Journalists would be concerned only about escaping press conferences before getting mauled. Congress would be too preoccupied with their personal safety to make sure I’m thinking properly about trans-people and climate change. Just posing for staff pictures in the Oval Office would take up most of their time. “Everybody play dead! Play dead! I’ll snap the picture when the President looks at the camera!”

It is my sincere hope that some day (soon!) my idiotic ideas will be met with mockery and ridicule. It is unsettling when comedians are the best policy makers.

“Like a roaring lion or a charging bear is a wicked ruler over a poor people. A ruler who lacks understanding is a cruel oppressor, but he who hates unjust gain will prolong his days.”

(Proverbs 28:15)