CNN: “Mr. President, did you pay Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about your affair?”

Trump: “From now on, I will be living as a gay man.”

MSNBC: “North Korea has…wait…did you say you’re gay?”

Trump: “I am not hiding from who I am anymore.”

CNN (weeping): “That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

HuffPo: “But how are you going to end gun violence?”

Trump: “That question is homophobic.”

MSNBC to HuffPo: “Yeah! Stop bullying!”

CNN (sobbing): “I really regret not voting for him now…”

Politico: “Mr. President, on behalf of everyone in the media, I apologize for everything.”

HLN: “I can actually feel the country healing!”

CNN (tearing up question sheet): “What color do you think you look best in?”

Jezebel: “Hold on! How does Melania feel about all of this?”

Trump: “Melania is transgender. Please call him Melvin.”

Jezebel (falling prostrate): “There is a god!”

Fox: “Um…I want to ask about immigration…”

Everyone Else: “Shut up, Fox! You’re on the wrong side of history!”

Mother Jones (for good measure): “Yeah, Fox! You suck!”

ABC: “I’m going to put my hair in a comb-over.”

MSNBC: “Both my legs are tingling!”

*Press pool (except for Fox) spontaneously engages in group hug*

CNN: “America is Great Again!”