Here’s the secret to making people think you’re smart: Tell them you listen to every side of an argument.

I always listen to every side of an argument. I mention this constantly so you’ll know I’m open-minded. I’ve heard both sides, which means I completely understand every aspect of the topic. I am omniscient. You should not doubt my conclusions.

I’m so committed to hearing alternative points of view, I’ll listen to speeches in languages I don’t understand. I listened to a 3-hour lecture given in Portuguese. I have no idea what it was about but the important thing is that I’m exposed to it. Exposure matters. Understanding does not.

My commitment to intellectual diversity extends to other areas of my life. I’ll turn on jazz, classical, country, and death metal at the exact same time. Bigots call this “noise.” I call it “balance.”

I drink a blend of fully caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee. The result is a delightful state of hyper-active drowsiness that average people (like you) can’t comprehend.

People who complain that this approach is ‘absurd’ or ‘insane’ are missing the point. I’m not trying to find truth. I’m just trying to project intelligence.

I can proclaim any deranged belief after I announce that I’ve considered the alternative. Once I acknowledge the stronger argument, I don’t have to adopt it. After I look at both sides, I can ignore the side that actually makes sense. I don’t need facts or reasoning when I already completed the ritual of awareness.

That is the secret to intellectual invincibility. It allows me to avoid the shame that normally accompanies the realization that my beliefs are ludicrous.

(Acts 17:21) All the Athenians and the foreigners who lived there spent their time doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas.