Across American, thousands of conscientious looters have pledged to observe social distancing while pillaging businesses and burning homes to the ground.

“We’ve got to think of our most vulnerable citizens,” said a masked mob member as he lobbed a Molotov cocktail onto the roof of a police station. “We’re all in this together.”

Governors in various Blue States are applauding the humanitarian efforts of the marauding miscreants. “Crowding together for any reason, whether to flip over an automobile or smash the windows at Target, is irresponsible,” said the Governor of Michigan (or California, or New York, or Kentucky, it doesn’t matter.) “These looters are heroes. I wish the church people had just half as much respect for their fellow citizens.”

As America continues to re-open, experts are predicting a spike in COVID-19 infections. A spokesperson who identifies as “highly qualified” said, “We’re pretty sure COVID-19 is going to kill some more people. When it does, we can’t blame the rioters. Not only are they wearing masks and practicing social distancing, they’re setting fire to restaurants and other public gathering places where the virus is easily spread. If burning down a few taverns saves just one life, it’s worth it.”