After a lively discussion about my mishandling of Pete Buttigieg, I received a request.

“…could you turn your demonizing acerbic wit toward Donald Trump in a blog post, just once, for me? “

Before I attempt to honor this polite request, I’m going to explain why a witty, acerbic criticism of Trump is almost impossible.

This is high-level, comedy/satire theory which means – it’s gonna be boring.

Too bad.

I want to make sure you appreciate my monolithic effort.

Donald Trump is what the internet calls, “a troll”.

There are other, more archaic words that describe Trump such as: “troublemaker”, “instigator”, “provocateur”, “agitator”, and “loudmouth”.

Trump thrives in emotional chaos.

Whether or not he actually “enjoys” the chaos is a question only he can answer.

But what is obvious to anyone with the reasoning skills of a houseplant is: Trump doesn’t care if you’re upset.

Can you imagine spending a just a day in serene indifference to other people’s emotional instability?

Of course not!

Trump’s smug self-confidence infuriates you.

His grinning face fills you with rage.

And THAT…is why he is a master level Troll.

The more you hate Trump, the stronger you make Trump.

Kinda like the dark side of The Force.

Now, buckle up.

I’m going to tell you why Trump can’t be triggered.

(Seriously…buckle up. This is going to hit pretty hard.)

Donald Trump tells the truth.

He’s never tried to pass himself off as anything other than a loudmouthed, womanizing, egotistical jackass.

He never apologizes because he’s always saying true things.

Don’t misunderstand this!

Donald Trump is wrong sometimes.

But he is HONESTLY wrong.

I can’t make fun of somebody for being wrong – because sometimes I’m wrong.

There are millions of Trump criticisms that are just personal attacks.

If I can’t say something new, I’m not gonna bother writing.

It’s REALLY hard to find some aspect of Donald Trump that hasn’t been criticized already.

He’s greedy, a racist, a spy, homophobic, misogynistic, orange, and lots of other stuff.

The fact that he picks horrible names for his kids has been overlooked.

UNTIL NOW!

Donald Trump does a wretched job of naming babies.

Donald Trump Jr.

Only a narcissist names a kid after himself, am I right? Trump couldn’t be bothered to even open a book of baby names? He just decided, “Donald Trump is a good name. Let’s go with that.” If I had a billion dollars, and no imagination, I’d pay somebody to name my kids.

Ivanka

Yikes. That name seems fitting for a Scandinavian lumberjack. He should have just stuck with “Donald”.

Eric

Only 4 letters. Half as many as the first son! Trump is signaling diminished affection for his 2nd born son. This disgusts me. Everybody deserves to be loved. Trump’s obvious favoritism is abusive. The FBI should investigate immediately.

Tiffany

Have you ever known anyone with this name who wasn’t a stripper? There is no bottom to Trump’s hatred from women. There is no excuse for this name since “Hillary” is available and has just as many letters.

Barron

Obviously named after the “Red Baron” (I told you I was going to need to stretch to create a unique criticism of Trump, so don’t whine about this). What kind of sicko names a kid after a German WWI pilot? Trump is shrewd. He knew that naming the kid “Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen” would raise suspicions. But I’m not fooled so easily…

And there you have it.

I hope Donald Trump reads this!

It will have no effect on him whatsoever.