In the relentless pursuit of racial reconciliation, NASCAR has officially banned all doors on track garages across the country.
“The decision was easy,” said NASCAR spokesman Tex Arkana, “Confederate flags are symbols of America’s racist history. So we banned them. Garage doors have ropes to pull them closed and ropes were used to make nooses which are symbols of America’s racist history. So we banned them. We also banned lawnmowers because some of them have starter ropes which could be fashioned into nooses which are symbols of America’s racist history.”
NASCAR has also banned pancakes because they’re served with butter and syrup which are both symbols of America’s racist history. The racing league has also banned automobiles because Henry Ford, a character from American history, was rumored to be a racist.
“It’s going to be weird for a little while watching NASCAR without cars,” Arkana conceded. “But we’ve got the greatest fans in the world and we’re confident they’ll stay loyal even if we destroy our entire culture to pander to people who’ve never been to a racetrack.”
A statue was erected at the Charlotte Speedway in North Carolina to commemorate NASCAR’s bold stance against racism. It was immediately torn down by racial protesters.
2 Responses
I use to think you were writing satire, but with every day’s developments, well, this really doesn’t seem that farfetched.
You may be a prophet.
You’re on a roll this week, John! Just don’t use a car while you roll, don’t want to be racist … and don’t out butter on the roll, either! Wait, are rolls racist also? Sir Royce and Sir Rolls were both white, so they probably are, yeah! 😛