This is an article I wrote back in 2003. In my mind, 2003 was just last month. In reality, it was seventeen years ago. SEVENTEEN YEARS!
A lot has changed in the last seventeen years. I’ve gained wisdom in every area of my life…except professional sports. I have not increased my knowledge of football even a little bit. I could have written this yesterday.
Until yesterday (Superbowl Sunday) I didn’t know what two teams were in the Superbowl. Until yesterday (Superbowl Sunday) I didn’t know when the Superbowl was even being played.
Me: “Why isn’t anyone in church today? Why are the chip aisles at the store empty?”
Everybody Else: “Um. It’s Superbowl Sunday, moron.”
I just don’t follow sports very closely. I’m vaguely aware of the major seasons (Basketball, Baseball, Football and Backgammon) but I can’t tell you any of the key playersor teams. And that’s why I’d make a great sports commentator.
Friends of mine disagree with commentators opinions. My friend watching the game says things like, “I’d make a better commentator than that bonehead!” What he’s saying (in between explatives) is that he knows more about the subject of football than the commentator. This frustrates my friend because while the commentator gets paid oodles of cash to dispense worthless and idiotic insights during the game; my friend, on the couch at home, has no outlet through which to dispense his infinitely superior football knowledge.
If I were a football commentator, I wouldn’t even mention the game during a broadcast. Instead, I’d discuss topics that are less familiar to sports fans. During games, I’d muse about gardening techniques or quantum physics. I wouldn’t talk about the last play. Why should I? It’s on television. They can see it for themselves.
I think this would be a breath of fresh air in the world of sports. Postgame discussions would sound something like this:
Fan#1: “What a game! Went down to the wire.”
Fan#2: “Yeah. Pretty exciting.”
Fan#1: “Did you hear the halftime analysis on Picasso artwork?”
Fan#2: “Fascinating. That guy really knows his Cubists.”
Fan#1: “Can’t argue with that!”
2 Responses
I like this. Discussion on quantum physics would be great commentary during a football because everyone’s equally a moron when it comes to actually understanding it, so it would level the “playing field.” No one would ever come away thinking they know more than the commentator. It would also go great with everyone drinking lots of beer.
I think your commentary would be more interesting than the ones were they talk about sports.