The Supreme Court ruled that a 100 year old war memorial will be allowed to stand on public property in Maryland. The memorial is a 40-foot concrete cross and, according to the American Humanist Association, turns people into Christians against their will.

“I didn’t want to be a Christian,” said a local grocer who asked to remain anonymous. “I don’t want faith of any kind. But I glanced at that damn statue and instantly became a devoted follower of Jesus Christ. I go to church. I pray for my friends. I donate money to the homeless shelter. And I do all of it against my will! I’m furious!”

Atheists, who do not believe in supernatural magic, are upset by the Supreme Court’s decision. “They’re controlling our minds with their magical symbols,” said a local grocer who asked to remain anonymous. “I can’t be a rational Humanist when there’s a gigantic piece of concrete sending voodoo beams into my brain.”

The ruling creates problems for religious people as well. Church attendance in Maryland has quadrupled causing panic among church leaders. “We don’t have room for everybody,” complained a local Pastor who consumes groceries. “We had to add more services to accommodate the crowds. We run 36 services every Sunday morning. That requires we focus on essentials like worship music and stage lighting. I’m burnt out. I would leave the ministry but the statue won’t let me.”

For now, the statue will remain as a memorial to those who served in the first world war. Those who wish to maintain their philosophies should move to California where God has no influence.