Thanksgiving is the greatest national holiday in America. It’s so blatantly Christian, I’m shocked that it hasn’t been banned as hate speech. It is much more offensive than Christmas and Easter which have both been stripped of their religious significance. Thanksgiving is unapologetically about two things. 1) Noticing the stuff you like and then 2) giving God credit for that stuff.

Some people try to pull God out of the Thanksgiving equation but that’s silly. Giving thanks to the Sun for sending warmth is like mailing a thank-you card to Santa. If you accidentally evolved from monkeys, then your gratitude is insanity. Nobody is out there listening to your heartfelt appreciations. Your thankfulness is pointless babbling.

Since I know God exists and is responsible for all the stuff I like, I can celebrate Thanksgiving without looking like a dope. I’m going to spend a few minutes noticing just a few of the blessings I’ve gotten from God. This will be a partial list. Obviously.

I’m grateful for dead deer on the side of the road. Every single one of them was hit by somebody else’s car. It could have been me but God intervened.

I’m grateful for the smell of rotten meat. If it didn’t stink, I might eat bad meat. Praise God for giving me nostrils filled with putrid odor.

I’m grateful for cavities because they remind me that I still have teeth. I’ve used my teeth a lot to accomplish a variety of tasks from biting apples (which I’m also grateful for) to cutting fishing line and opening plastic packaging.

I’m grateful for being put on hold. I could be sitting in a building somewhere, waiting to talk to someone about whatever I called about. On hold, I can do something else while I wait. I can even use the bathroom! It is a gift from God to conduct business while seated on a toilet.

I’m grateful for germs. God made germs so dead plants and animals wouldn’t pile up everywhere. Also, cheese wouldn’t exist without germs. Neither would yogurt. Without germs, I couldn’t digest cheese, yogurt, or anything else.

I’m grateful for baldness. At this point, it isn’t fully manifested but it’s enough that I’m able to appreciate the amount of time that used to be spent shampooing, brushing, barbering, and generally ‘messing with’ my hair. That time is gradually being made available for other projects.

There are countless other blessings. Most of them happen without my knowledge because God knows what to do without me telling Him. He’s worthy of praise not just today but every day that you suck air. If you only celebrate one holiday this year, make it Thanksgiving.

“I have no need of a bull from your stall or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills…

…He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God.”

(Psalm 50:9 & 23)