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I don’t care what your calendar says.

Thanksgiving doesn’t exist.

A simple enough concept to grasp, Thanksgiving.

A season to share with loved ones and give thanks to God for the blessings we’ve enjoyed.

But some folks don’t believe in God.

These folks still experience chemical impulses that they interpret as ‘gratitude’.

And they like pumpkin pie as much as any religious zealot.

Because America is a tolerant place…

…Thanksgiving adapted to accommodate the godless.

Secular prayers allow god-less folks to pretend that gratefulness means something.

So we can all get along at family gatherings.

But that’s not what retailers want!

Retailers want Americans to express our gratitude for what we have…

…by acquiring some more.

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And that makes sense to us.

Thanksgiving transformed again into a tactical strategy meeting for Black Friday.

Between bites of turkey, families studied sales flyers, clipped coupons…

…and brushed up on hand-to-hand combat techniques.

Then, stores started opening on Thursday night.

And Thanksgiving became ‘Black Friday Eve’.

Only two shopping days left until Cyber Monday!

We gotta get ready for the most important holiday of the year!

This used to be Christmas but not everyone believes in Christ.

Yet the godless experience chemical impulses that they interpret as ‘holiday cheer’.

And America is a tolerant place.

So…Winter Holiday!

A season to share with loved ones and express gratitude for the blessings we enjoy.

We desperately need this holiday because…

…we spent Thanksgiving frantically getting ready for it.

Winter Holiday is spent watching football, saving receipts, and pretending to be excited about gift cards.

We savor the holidays!

Soon, the festivities will end and we’ll return to our daily lives.

We’ll go back to our back-breaking, soul-sucking jobs…

…which provide the lifestyle we enjoy all year…

…for which we are so very grateful.