Oh no! “Christian nationalism” is coming to get you! It’s risen from the smoking chasm of Hell and rampaging across America! Nobody is safe. And you’re too stupid to recognize the threat. Fortunately, your spiritual betters are sounding the alarm:

Christian nationalism seeks to merge Christian and American identities, distorting both the Christian faith and America’s constitutional democracy. Christian nationalism demands Christianity be privileged by the State and implies that to be a good American, one must be Christian. It often overlaps with and provides cover for white supremacy and racial subjugation. We reject this damaging political ideology and invite our Christian brothers and sisters to join us in opposing this threat to our faith and to our nation.

Christian nationalism also breathes fire and knocks down churches with its powerful, spike-covered tail. Its claws are filled with toxins. If it breaks your skin, you’ll be filled with hatred for immigrants and civility. You’ll despise women too, even if you identify as one. Christian nationalism emits millions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere hoping to either burn you or freeze you to death (whichever comes first). It is a monster that must be stopped!

Your spiritual superiors are inviting you to join them in opposing this threat. It’s not too late. They have a plan.

1. Sign the statement – Christian nationalism fears signatures. Every name on this list weakens the creature a little bit. Providing activists with a way to send you propaganda is a powerful way to keep from falling victim to ideological manipulation.

That’s it. There are no other suggestions on the website. I was a little disappointed about that so I whipped up a few more suggestions for having a real impact against Christian nationalism:

1. Stop singing the National Anthem – Boldly staying silent during sporting events can make a difference. With a little practice, you may even be able to kneel and avert your eyes from the flag. This will bring Christian nationalism to its knees!
2. Stop being Christian – Take away “Christian” and you’re left with “nationalism”. Simple!
3. Stop nationalism too – It makes people feel bad when you appreciate your country. To promote unity and inclusiveness, stop loving America.
4. Bake cakes – Bake some cakes and make them available to gay people.
5. Pick friends by race – Befriend people based on their skin color. The threat of Christian nationalism is real. You no longer have the luxury of building relationships on mutual interests, shared ideology, or common experiences.
6. Apologize – Just say you’re sorry. Do it. Then, do it again. Take responsibility for everyone’s unhappiness. It’s easier to tear yourself down than to raise others up.
7. Be poor – Give away your money until you have less than all your friends. Everyone hates wealthy people so stop trying to be one.
8. Criticize Trump – The beast of Christian nationalism is crippled when you hate Donald Trump. Misspelling his name as tRumpsky is an effective way of uniting all of us against our common enemy.

We must stand up to and speak out against Christian nationalism, especially when it inspires acts of violence and intimidation—including vandalism, bomb threats, arson, hate crimes, and attacks on houses of worship—against religious communities at home and abroad.

Christian nationalism hasn’t actually inspired any of those things but let’s not quibble about details. Let’s just pick an enemy and kill it! The specifics are irrelevant. Bad stuff is happening and somebody is responsible. It must be the Christians. Historically, they’re the cause of everyone’s outrage.

“Blessed [morally courageous and spiritually alive with life-joy in God’s goodness] are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil things against you because of [your association with] Me. Be glad and exceedingly joyful, for your reward in heaven is great [absolutely inexhaustible]; for in this same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:11