I used to think my computer updates were mostly insignificant changes. It seemed to me that the updates heralded as ‘major improvements’ were in reality, minor tweaks. But boy oh boy have I changed my mind!
The powers that be foisted an update upon my unsuspecting computer and I awoke to the gleeful announcement that I now have the following features:
Battery charge level display. This is something that I already had but it’s nice to have another one just in case. I really appreciate redundancy. I’ve got clocks on all four walls, the ceiling, and the floor of every room so I don’t have the hassle of turning my head to know what time it is.
New Start Menu “built around me” which puts my ‘favorite’ apps “front and center.” I thought the Start Menu already put my favorite apps front and center but looking at the new Start Menu, I can see my apps are even fronter and center-er-er than before. This is totally built around me whereas before, it was built kind of next to me, at arms length. Software engineers have somehow achieved a level of frontness previously thought impossible.
The ability to rotate stuff in Paint. Instead of using AI to render any image I might imagine, I can rotate my own crudely drawn shapes to any angle. This will be enormously helpful when I decide to abandon advanced digital imaging tools for the simplified functions of MS Paint. It’s the same reason I carry a piece of charcoal with me so I can make sketches when I’d rather not take a picture with my phone.
New emojis for ‘expressing myself in fun, meaningful ways.’ Technology is removing the exhausting burden of language. Conversations take a lot of time. Why spend valuable time constructing sentences when a tiny yellow face can communicate the full complexity of human consciousness? I long for the day when words are replaced entirely by symbols and this latest update is bringing that day closer! The essence of my soul can now be compressed into a single pictograph wearing sunglasses.
Use WEPB files as desktop background. One of the greatest frustrations of my life is locating a picture that would make the perfect desktop background only to discover that Windows does not recognize the format. Few experiences compare to the crushing despair of gazing upon a beautiful photograph and realizing I must convert it to another format before it can be viewed behind my desktop icons. My priorities are as follows, 1) Oxygen, 2) Water, 3) Food, 4) Freedom to use any picture I find as my desktop background. This windows update addresses my most basic needs. I feel seen.
In the spirit of progress, here are a few other features that should be included in future updates.
Immersive Loading Circles – Loading animations now spin 12% smoother so users experience waiting in cinematic quality.
Triple Check Shutdown – System asks, “Are you sure?” two additional times before shutting down or rebooting.
Autocorrect autocorrection – System swaps autocorrected text for whatever you wrote initially.
Accurately Simulated Gravity (ASG) – Computer desktop operates with simulated gravity. Everything on the screen falls toward the bottom using realistic physics algorithms.
I apologize for regarding Windows enhancements with cynicism. I’m looking forward to the next life-changing update.
(Jeremiah 6:16) This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, ‘We will not walk in it.’
