There is a solution to America’s unemployment crisis! It is a much simpler solution than expert economists anticipated. The solution was suggested by a member of the mindless mob while attacking an innocent, non-essential worker.

This elegant plan has ended unemployment overnight! The first key step is making a decision to not be stupid. The moment unemployed workers quit their stupidity, joblessness fell like a concrete buzzard.

Free from the shackles of being stupid, tens of millions of people applied for work at the grocery store. And everyone was hired immediately! Economists were shocked to learn that the US economy can thrive with 25% of the work force employed at the grocery store.

“Previously, we thought the economy was a complex structure of interconnected commerce activities,” Economist (turned grocery store employee), Darcy Dean confessed. “Turns out, it’s pretty simple. Everybody can work at the grocery store and the country will get along just fine!”

However, tens of millions of new employees poses a logistical challenge for grocery stores. A spokesman for the American Grocery Store Alliance says, “We don’t have room in the stores for employees, customers, and inventory. Even if we remove all the groceries there’s still not enough room in the building for the people. We would like to construct larger facilities but all the commercial building contractors work at the grocery store now.”

While the problem seems insurmountable at the moment, let’s take a moment and remember the sage-advice provided by that winsome internet troll, “Quit being stupid.”

That will fix everything.