Research indicates that for once, I’m in the majority! The impeachment trial (did you even know there’s an impeachment?) bored me from the first day. It’s a parade of petty partisan politics that doesn’t pique the interest of the public.

Remember, I was lackluster before lackluster was cool.

As millions turn from the sleep inducing senate hearings, America needs something else to do. I’ve spent the better part of half an hour compiling this helpful list of things you can do instead of paying attention to the impeachment.

Prepare to die in the Coronavirus epidemic.

This plague has already killed more people than vending machine accidents. This Corona doesn’t taste great out of the bottle with a wedge of lime. Remember Swine Flu, SARS, Bird Flu and Ebola? This is shaping up to be just as bad! Switch off the impeachment and get busy fretting.

Contemplate your gender.

Are you male? Female? Something else entirely? How long has it been since you’ve probed your feelings to determine your gender identity? Don’t get caught without an answer to the question: “Can anyone be a woman?”

Observe paint drying.

This isn’t just a euphemism for “wasting time”. Watching paint dry is more entertaining and informative than anything coming out of congress during the trial. Pick your favorite color. Splash it on a wall. Sit and stare.

Navel gaze.

While paint costs money, belly buttons are free and always handy. Turn off the television, lift up your shirt and study your omphalos. Is it an innie or outie? A brief glance at your navel will make you wiser than watching a whole afternoon of C-SPAN.

Practice the recorder.

You are terrible at playing the record. Everyone is terrible. The instrument sounds awful even when played well. More practice is a good idea even when everything is going great in Washington (which is never).

Smoke.

As bad as smoke is for your body, politics is worse for your mind. Taking in hours of political discourse has devastating consequences for your health. Smoking merely gives you cancer.

Become a bee keeper.

When the Democrats are in power, bees make honey. When they Republicans are in power, bees make honey. Those little fellas do not care one bit about the impeachment. They can teach you a lot about how politics should impact your day-to-day life.

Change clothes.

Regardless of what you’re wearing, put on something else. Then take it off, throw it on the floor, and put on another outfit. Keep changing clothes until everything you own is mounded in front of you. Look at all the clothes you own and thank God you live in America.

All this impeachment business is a sham. Join the majority of your fellow citizens and just ignore it.