If you’re a woman who cares about being happy at all costs, this article is for you! It was written by a “happiness expert” which I assume is someone who is good at making up titles. The article is brimming with good news for you ladies who are trying to decide if narcissism is right for you.

“Men benefited from marriage because they calmed down. You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has to put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children.”

Regular readers know that I occasionally write satirically. This isn’t one of those occasions. If you can’t stand the thought of “putting up with” your husband earning more money, being calmer, and living longer; you should stay single and never have children. No joking. No kidding. Do what the happiness expert is telling you.

Selfish women are terrible wives. Don’t pull an innocent man into your eternal cyclone of vanity. No man should spend his life catering to your happiness. And you won’t need to waste time and energy abusing a husband. Being a shrewish wife is a full time job. Single shrews have more fun sometimes and when they don’t, it’s nobody’s fault but yours. Empowered women are miserable on their terms. Take that, Patriarchy!

And selfish women are terrible mothers. Relentless dedication to your personal happiness guarantees you’ll be an unfit parent. You’ll mess-up a kid and some married couple will need to take responsibility for his/her well-being. Children love only themselves – just like you! You’re lacking the most fundamental characteristic of a good mother – selflessness. You can only teach what you know which guarantees your children will be self-centered monstrosities as well. So don’t reproduce!

The church has done a disservice to many women. For decades, we told you to get married, have children, and be fulfilled. We never told you fulfillment and happiness aren’t the same thing. Spending your life chasing happiness will never fulfill you. If you only want happiness, you shouldn’t get married or have children. Your life will be shallow and pathetic. Don’t drag other people into it.