(Inspired by a conversation overheard at McDonald’s)

There are many hundreds of English language adjectives.

There’s no excuse for just using one.

Especially when your chosen word isn’t even an adjective.

It’s either a vulgar verb or plebeian noun.

To overuse an actual adjective would make you sound like a moron.

“Good!”

What’s the matter?

“Mother goodin’ car won’t goodin’ start! I’m gonna lose my goodin’ job!”

Call work and tell them what happened.

“Goodin’ cell phone battery is dead. Good! I goodin’ hate my goodin’ life!”

Using nouns as adverbs makes your speech almost incomprehensible.

“Phonin’ team played phonin’ as phone, man! Phoned the other team!  Phoned them good!”

I know. It requires energy to memorize words.

Energy that could be used in important endeavors like dance music production, theater arts or tattooing.

So I understand why ‘not sounding like an imbecile when I talk’ isn’t high on your priority list.

But I want to help.

Here are some suggestions that will let you communicate without destroying your intellectual reputation.

Use only gestures in conversation. – Treat every conversation as a round of Charades. This not only serves to keep you from putting forth the work of learning words, but it’ll be super fun watching you ask where to find cottage cheese at the grocery store.

Emoticons. – You can answer most inquiries about your personal state of being with your phone! As long as you stick to cake, coffee and chicken legs you can even order food at restaurants!

Hire an interpreter. – Get someone (preferably with an English accent) to translate your infantile gibberish into a language. When someone asks how you’re feeling, just lean over and whisper to your interpreter, “F’ing F’ers F’ing up my F’ing life!”. The interpreter will respond on your behalf with, “I can’t complain. How are you?”

Find religion. – Several religions give you points for vowing to remain silent. Choose one of them. Your tranquility will be misinterpreted as thoughtfulness.

Of course, these are just suggestions.

You can tell me to phonin’ shove my goodin’ ideas up my mother goodin’ goodness.

I’ll figure out what you mean.

I always do.