I wrote this article to my Christian sisters and was promptly told that I should write a blog post to men too!

“I hope you’ll address these men with a full length blog, too. If they are the initiators of this behavior, they are certainly in need of correction from an older brother. “

In a perfect world, the person who thinks boys need a lesson would go ahead and write that lesson. But this isn’t a perfect world so I’ll step up and deliver again. As requested, a full length blog to the men:

Gather round guys! I’ve got something important to say because I love you. First, notice that I’m not physically touching you. I’m not holding your hand. I don’t have my arm around you. We aren’t sitting side-by-side on a love seat. Because I don’t need to touch you. I can love you without putting my hands on you. Has your girlfriend ever said anything like that?

I wonder because I see the two of you sitting in church, snuggled up like you’re in the back row of a dark movie theater. Arms entwined, she’s stroking your thigh. Why are you doing that? I’ll bet she says she cares about you. You wouldn’t let a chick grope you unless she cares about you. And she’s a Christian. I mean, she MUST be a Christian because she’s in church, right?

I’m a Christian too. And I’m an old guy who doesn’t care if I make you mad. I’m not interested in dating you. I don’t want to touch you. I’m going to tell you the truth because that’s what big brothers are supposed to do for little brothers.

  1. If your girlfriend can’t keep her hands off of you for an hour in church, dump her. She’s a goon. She doesn’t care about your reputation. When she fondles and caresses you in public, she makes you look cheap. When she fondles you in church, it’s worse. A girl who really cares about you won’t make you look bad in public.
  2. If you can’t last an hour in church without feeling your girlfriend’s hands on you, dump her. You’re an insecure child and you shouldn’t be dating yet. When you need constant physical affirmation from a girl, you’re going to be abused. Stop dating and spend your time learning how to feel affirmation without being groped.
  3. Sex is the easy part of relationships. There are millions of girls who are willing to feel you up. Millions of girls would be happy to stroke your thigh in church. But it doesn’t have to be YOUR thigh. Any thigh will do. Millions of girls see you as nothing but a collection of body parts. They’ll say anything so long as you let them handle your parts.
  4. Nobody appreciates your public displays of affection. Most church people won’t tell you that you’re acting like a slut. You’re mistaken if you think I’m the only one noticing your behavior. I’m just the guy who’s saying what the cowards are thinking.
  5. Act like you know God loves you. You do know that God loves you, right? Well, act like it. When the creator of the universe loves you, you don’t need a girl to drool on you in order to feel “special”. There’s a word for when your girlfriend’s love matters more to you than God’s love – “Idolatry”. You and your girlfriend are worshiping each other during your church make-out sessions.

You may be tempted to dismiss me as a “victim blamer” or “slut shamer” or some other term that I’ve not heard yet. Don’t do that. Remember, I have nothing to gain from saying these things. I don’t want anything from you. And my conscience would bother me if I didn’t tell you the truth.

Women will use you if you let them. Christian women will use you in church if you let them.


ALSO: If you’re a girl who’s groping guys in church, knock it off. Don’t put the guy you claim to love in the awkward position of having to say, “Take your hands off me.” He’s not in church for you. Stop distracting him. Fold both your hands into your lap and say a prayer. Ask God to tell you how love behaves.

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3 Responses

  1. John this might be my favorite post, not because I have a girlfriend who gropes me in public. No, because I, and most other sane people, think PDA is gross, but we’re to cowardly to confront people about it. Thank you for doing what most people would balk at.

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