Read: Comedy Sojourn Blog

On The Bus Again with Tim Hawkins’ Crew

Hey Pkarlgh, I barely made it this week!  Just got this podcast done a few seconds ago.

Lulu Lemon update from Josh. Freight makes an appearance in a hat. Tim and I can’t figure out why shirts have so many pins. Donald Trump…what else do I need to say. Poop is handy for monitoring your health. Moringa is good for you too. Barry Manilow hits, the Star Spangled Banner, gun control, and so much more!

Check out this episode!

Atheists Are Nitwits

 

Atheists are nitwits.

Some atheists are nice people.

Some atheists are generous, kind, and sincere.

And all atheists are nitwits.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Everyone is a nitwit from time to time.

I mean, who hasn’t “Pushed” on a door labeled “Pull”?

Jews, Muslims, Christians…we’ve all pushed instead of pulled.

Religious folks admit the mistake.

Atheists just push harder.

Recently, a particularly stubborn atheist acquaintance, we’ll call him “Windbag”, posed this question:

The most effective way to test the sincerity of a questioner is…

…ask them their own question.

So I did.

Why didn’t the Windbag answer his own question?

Because he’s an atheist…

…and atheists are nitwits.

Windbag is the worst kind of nitwit.

The “Arrogant Nitwit”.

He doesn’t think anyone notices his stupidity.

I had to ask the question a bunch of times before Windbag reluctantly answered…

…then IMMEDIATELY demanded I answer the question.

Which I did.

My question is the sign on the door that says, “Pull”.

This question would make non-nitwits quit pushing.

So Windbag keeps pushing.

Eventually, the Windbag admits he believes in God.

(Really. Check the link.)

He doesn’t ADMIT that he believes in God.

He thinks he can avoid the consequences of logic by ignoring them.

He was doomed to fail with his first question.

Too many words like “unguided” and “unintended”.

Those are not science words.

Those are religious words.

And atheists are not religious.

That’s what they claim, anyway.

They refuse to admit they’re wrong about that.

Because atheists are nitwits.

This Will Cure Insomnia

Having trouble sleeping?

Keep reading!

I was asked to write about objective morality.

I know…

…you’re feeling drowsy already.

Me too.

I’m gonna drink some coffee and soldier on!

Morality is not usually controversial.

Most of us take it for granted that some things are “right” and some things are “wrong”.

Most of us…

Godless people are different.

They think morality is fluid.

“Right” and “wrong” depends on your circumstances.

There are exceptions to every moral rule.

For example:

Stealing is “wrong” EXCEPT when you need to survive.

This is called “Moral Relativism”.

It is the opposite of “Objective Morality”.

Objective  Morality says:

Stealing is wrong.

(Note the period at the end of the statement.)

Morals with exceptions are useless.

Now, before you drift away into blissful unconsciousness, read this statement:

Please consider going Vegan or at least Vegetarian. Love All Animals the same. All Lives are Precious.

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Let’s break it down into a series of ‘relative morality’ statements.

Please consider going Vegan or at least Vegetarian EXCEPT when you love the taste of steak.

Love all animals the same EXCEPT when you’re choosing between human beings and cows.

All lives are precious EXCEPT those which haven’t passed from the womb.

Do you see what happened?

…HEY…WAKE UP!!

Almost done…

Relative morality knocks the teeth out of every moral statement.

The Godless have developed a method for dealing with this harsh reality.

They run away.

They put it on me to “prove” objective morality exists.

Did you catch that?

It’s MY JOB to prove that THEY are speaking the moral truth.

So…I wrote this post.

Jesus taught objective morality.

He said: “Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself.”

No exceptions.

Sleep tight!

This Is A Secret

I’ll probably get in trouble for this.

I don’t have permission to talk about it.

Because if I ask permission…I’ll be denied.

I’m going to “out” some people.

They’re going to be upset.

They don’t want anybody to know what they’re doing.

But I refuse to keep their secrets for them.

The man in the picture is Bill.

Bill went to Nepal to install a machine that provides clean water to the village where this picture was taken.

He bought a plane ticket with his own money and sneaked out of the country.

He uses his own money to avoid a paper trail.

Doesn’t want people asking questions like, “How much did this cost you?”

But he didn’t work alone.

He had accomplices.

The people at Fairfield Christian Church are guilty too.

When they learned that the water system costs $1800 bucks…

…they recklessly donated more than enough to pay for it.

They’re not “rich” people.

They’re “ordinary”.

Trust me!

I know them.

These ordinary people installed a water system in a village in Nepal.

Does anyone else find this outrageous?

Bill and his enablers don’t know anybody in Nepal.

They’ll never get their money back.

Plus…the people in Nepal look different.

They don’t even speak English!

Anyway…

I’ve probably lost some friends today.

I violated their trust.

I told their secret.

But some secrets need to be told.

Another Thing That You Can’t Blame on Trump

Richard Dreyfuss said something profound recently.

If you haven’t been following the Hollywood scandals…

…and it’s difficult to follow ALL the Hollywood scandals…

…Dreyfuss is accused of harassment.

The list of perpetrators seems to now include everyone who has ever lived in Los Angeles.

The “Dreyfuss Statement” is a fascinating peek into the Hollywood mindset.

There is a sea-change happening right now, which we can look upon as a problem or an opportunity. We all of us are awakening to the reality that how men have behaved toward women for eons is not OK. The rules are changing invisibly underneath our feet. I am playing catch up. Maybe we all are.

All of Hollywood is “awakening to the reality” that sexual harassment is wrong.

It’s finally dawning on mega-stars that rape is not appropriate behavior.

In Hollywood, this means “the rules are changing”.

Which is hilarious except that it’s appalling.

Because the rules are not new.

I’m a Bible-clutching, right-wing, bigot living in the middle of fly-over America.

In my world, we’ve always prohibited abusing people.

I was indoctrinated with the Golden Rule at a young age.

The rules were, “Keep your hands to yourself”.

The rules were, “Boys and girls use different bathrooms”.

The rules were, “Treat everyone with respect and kindness”.

I didn’t grow up in Hollywood.

Apparently, they didn’t have those rules out there.

But now, they want them!

Suddenly, those elitist celebrities want my rules!

The rules they’ve been mocking my entire life!

The rules they’ve scorned and belittled.

The close-minded, old-fashioned, regressive rules they hate so much.

So I wonder…

…will this “sea of change” be viewed as an “opportunity” or a “problem”.

My money is on the latter.

Baby Gender Reveal Party

THIS EPISODE – The Grand-baby gender reveal party.  Chaos! But the mystery is solved.
Things are pretty loud because my family is loud. You’re right in the middle of the chaos for this episode, Pkarlgh.
Lanums are on the way out the door when the podcast starts.  We spend a few minutes talking about winning basketball games and unicorn babies.
All the pregnant ladies talk babies (and there are lots of them). Genders are revealed. Names are discussed. Clamato juice is discussed. We talk about inappropriate Thanksgiving food.  Collin suggests a name for his new sibling and Joe reveals the manliest name in existence.

Check out this episode!

Celebrities Hate Trump Because He Tells The Truth

I’m going to make a confession.

It makes me happy watching Hollywood implode.

I’m not proud of this.

I’m just being honest.

I smile every time a new scandal breaks into the news.

Does that make me a bad person?

Probably.

As bad as a celebrity pervert?

I don’t think so.

I’ve already admitted that I’m flawed.

I’m on record as being a wretched sinner.

That’s the difference between me and the Hollywood elite.

I’m honest.

And so is Donald Trump.

That’s right, Donald Trump.

He’s crude, blunt, arrogant, egotistical, brash, uncouth…

…and truthful.

Remember when he said this?

“You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the p—y. You can do anything.”

And EVERYBODY freaked out!

Remember all the finger-wagging-pearl-cluthing-Hollywood-hotshots went nuts?

Then, they paraded down the red carpet to pay homage to Harvey Weinstein.

Hoffman, Streep, Affleck, Damon, Spacey…the list is growing by the hour.

Clutching their trophies and taking their bows they proved Trump was exactly right.

When you’re a star…you can do whatever you want.

The “grab them by the p—y” quote could have been made by virtually anyone in Hollywood.

But none of them have any integrity.

There is no truth in Tinsel Town.

Everything is make-believe.

They pretended to be offended by Trump’s crass comments.

Because they aren’t in the business of telling the truth.

They’re in the business of telling stories.

Trump was telling the truth, albeit unintentionally.

The Donald confirmed something I had suspected for a long time.

I’m not a celebrity so I didn’t know for sure.

The self-righteousness of Hollywood elites is phony.

And I know it sounds terrible to say this, but I gotta tell the truth.

It makes me happy watching Hollywood implode.

Why You Should Love Kevin Spacey

I’m not talking to you right-wing, religious bigots.

I’m talking to you progressive, tolerant, religious bigots.

Be consistent, for crying out loud.

You must give Kevin Spacey a break.

Scratch that…

You must give Kevin Spacey an award!

Why?

This!

Oscar-winning actor (Spacey) brought her son “drink after drink” and then groped his genitals at a restaurant bar in Nantucket, Massachusetts, in July 2016.

And this!

Over the course of about 20 seconds, centimeter by centimeter, Kevin crawled his hand from my thigh over toward my crotch.

I could go on.

But that should be enough to convince you to make Kevin Spacey your hero.

The poster boy for progressive, tolerant, religious bigotry!

Spacey is living true to his convictions.

“Love Wins”

 “Love is love”

You can’t invalidate Kevin Spacey’s feelings.

Everyone expresses love differently.

Who are you to judge?

Sure, there are laws against sticking your hand down a boy’s pants.

Those laws need to change.

It used to be illegal for dudes to marry other dudes.

Remember?

Fortunately, you progressive, tolerant, religious bigots put an end to those hateful times.

Your incessant, sanctimonious lecturing helped erase the lines of discrimination.

Why are you redrawing those lines?

Are you going to suggest that rape is not love?

How arbitrary.

How restrictive and close-minded.

Grow up.

Kevin Spacey is a visionary.

Like Hugh Hefner before him, he is showing us the next level of sexual enlightenment.

(Remember what awful things people said about Hef?)

You progressive, tolerant, religious bigots MUST defend Kevin Spacey.

He is marginalized by narrow-minded people like me.

He is criticized by old-fashioned thinkers.

He is vilified for nothing more than loving differently than the rest of us.

Embrace Kevin Spacey.

Celebrate Kevin Spacey.

Love Kevin Spacey.

Isn’t that what Jesus would do?

Christians: Admit That Prayer Doesn’t Work

A few days ago, an unhinged madman went to church and shot a bunch of people.

This is now the second most common church event after the song, “Good Good Father”.

Malevolent evil used to inspire sympathy.

When Americans encountered incomprehensible wickedness…we turned to God.

We’re smarter now.

The light of secular rationality has scattered the shadow of religious superstition.

It would be unusual to specifically pray to NOT be murdered in church but let’s set that aside.

The jig is up, Christians.

It’s time to admit that prayer doesn’t work.

We’ve known it for a long time, haven’t we?

Be honest.

We prayed (secretly) in school that we’d pass tests without studying.

We prayed for a single movie with a religious character who wasn’t a dim-wit.

We prayed that Christianity would not be represented in the media by Westboro Baptist Church.

We prayed for a late-night television host who possesses at least a kindergarten understanding of theology.

We prayed that Bill Nye would leave television once and for all.

We prayed that Neil De Grasse Tyson would follow Bill Nye.

We prayed that it would be legal to hang the Ten Commandments on a courthouse wall.

We prayed that Barack Obama would lose to Mitt Romney.

We prayed to keep our insurance if we liked our insurance.

We prayed for politicians who aren’t constantly campaigning for re-election.

We prayed for a wall between the US and Mexico.

We prayed for just one news organization to acknowledge that Islam is different from Christianity.

We prayed to be delivered from the sermons of self-righteous atheists like Wil Wheaton.

Yes…We prayed that innocent lives would not be snuffed by violence…

…like abortion.

And we got nothin’.

Obviously, prayer doesn’t work.

So what should we do?

Write more laws, I guess.

 

When praying, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. (Mt 6:7–8)

Why Should Anyone Go To Your Church?

Why should I come to your church?

I’ve got a lot of things I could do on Sunday morning.

By “a lot of things” I mean sleep.

The point is, I’m gonna need a reason to go to your church.

At a bare minimum, I want to know what your church teaches.

Some churches put “Mission Statements” on their website.

Like this one:

This mission statement gives you a good idea of what First Church believes.

I agree with every point.

I would visit this church some Sunday morning if it were possible.

But there’s a problem.

This church doesn’t exist.

However, the mission statement is real…

…sort of.

It’s assembled from multiple religious websites.

Cobbled together from different mission statements: Christian, Humanist, Universalist, and Atheist.

Really!

I removed specific religious references and…

…TADA!

A universally acceptable mission statement!

Can you tell which part came from the Christian Church?

Here’s a hint…

…the part that talks about inclusion, acceptance, unity, and love.

Does that help?

No…not at all.

Everybody is pitching inclusiveness.

Heck, even the atheists are fans of “Love”.

Which brings me back to my question.

Why should I come to your church?

Because you’re a caring group of folks who love everybody…?

So are the Humanists.

And Humanists don’t get up early on Sunday morning.

I know Jesus loves me.

I’ve seen the bumper sticker.

What’s not to love?

Jesus has good taste!

If I understand your mission statement, that’s never going to change.

Jesus loves me if I never attend a service.

Jesus loves me if I’m a Humanist.

Jesus loves  me if I’m a Universalist

Jesus loves me if I’m an atheist.

And you’re telling me I should join your church because you love me too?

Ha!

You’re gonna have to do better than that.