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College Kids Are Too Stupid For This

I sort of remember when colleges taught useful stuff.

Didn’t people sometimes say colleges were ‘institutes of higher education’?

Or did I imagine that?

When I was in college there was a mandatory class called, “Freshman Orientation”.

The class was predicated on the idea that college students are morons.

In orientation class, I learned things like:

  • Where to look on campus for the library.
  • How to carry a tray in the cafeteria.
  • The usefulness of taking notes during class.
  • The importance of sleeping for awhile every day.
  • Flunking tests could negatively affect grades.

Mid-semester,  I learned that some students were not passing orientation.

Because college students are morons.

Which is why this unicorn is so distressing.

Let me spell out why this unicorn is horrifying!

Colleges are asking students to identify their own genders!

How can a college student, incapable of reading a map or carrying a pocket-knife, accomplish this?!!

These kids don’t even know which end of a pencil to sharpen!

Can we trust them to declare whether they’re male, female, or ‘other’?

Of course not!

Most of them haven’t even declared a major!

This information should be part of college orientation.

The first day on campus, students should have their gender assigned by a physician.

This is pre-requisite for their upcoming ‘Public Toilet Etiquette Symposium’.

Tuition of thirty grand a year ought to buy some kind of education, right?

They Don’t Want You To Know This About Shakespeare

Everything you know about William Shakespeare is a lie!

He didn’t exist.

William Shakespeare is a fictional character.

I have evidence that he did not exist.

By that I mean, I have no evidence that he did exist.

Same thing.

A quick perusal of reliable, historical sources (Wikipedia) should convince you that I’m right.

(Unless you’re anti-science in which case, nothing will convince you.)

But if you need MORE evidence of no evidence…here it is.

“…actual documentation of his life is pitifully scarce: little more than several signatures, records of his marriage to Anne Hathaway and the birth of their children, a three-page will and some business papers unrelated to writing”

Case closed.

Shakespeare was invented by men in power to control the gullible masses.

The name ‘Shakespeare’ sent the sheep scurrying to buy theater tickets.

Nobody questioned where the sonnets came from.

They weren’t scientists!

They were simple, superstitious folks who blindly accepted whatever they were told.

Such rubes!

It’s embarrassing to call them ‘ancestors’.

The tragedy of Shakespeare’s hoax (see what I did there?) is that it grew.

It spread, like a virus across Europe first…

…then THE WORLD!

Today, Shakespeare has parades, festivals, and even HOLIDAYS in his name.

The Shakespeare brand rakes in truckloads of money.

The organizers of Renaissance Fairs prey on the mindless disciples of ‘The Bard’.

Swindling the dullards with empty promises.

Intellectual honesty demands that I speak up.

The lie ends here.

There is no William Shakespeare.

I’m sorry.

I know this destroys your high school Lit. class indoctrination.

But it’s important to know the truth.

And while we’re at it…

…Mark Twain wasn’t real either.

God Finds My Daughter (Again)

Here’s a testimony from one of my kids.

It’s a strange thing to read coming from her.

She’s very settled, rational, and sensible.

This testimony borders on insanity.

She doesn’t say stuff like, “God spoke to me” very often.

Neither do I.

It’s a dangerous thing to attribute our own thoughts to God.

It is incorrect to assume our suffering means God doesn’t care.

He has driven me and made me walk
In darkness and not in light.
Surely against me He has turned His hand
Repeatedly all the day.
 He has caused my flesh and my skin to waste away,
He has broken my bones.
 He has besieged and encompassed me with bitterness and hardship.
 In dark places He has made me dwell,
Like those who have long been dead.
 He has walled me in so that I cannot go out;
He has made my [a]chain heavy.
 Even when I cry out and call for help,
He shuts out my prayer.
 He has blocked my ways with hewn stone;
He has made my paths crooked.
 He is to me like a bear lying in wait,
Like a lion in secret places.
 He has turned aside my ways and torn me to pieces;
He has made me desolate.
 He bent His bow
And set me as a target for the arrow.
 He made the [b]arrows of His quiver
To enter into my [c]inward parts.
 I have become a laughingstock to all my people,
Their mocking song all the day.
 He has filled me with bitterness,
He has made me drunk with wormwood.
 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
He has made me cower in the dust.
My soul has been rejected from peace;
I have forgotten [d]happiness.
 So I say, “My strength has perished,
And so has my hope from the Lord.” – Lamentations 3

Talking Racism with A Big Black Guy

EPISODE – Mike Goodwin talks about racism with Peaches and me!
*Spoiler Alert*
Mike is a black guy.
Mike’s on the phone so we get some of the audio weirdness that makes this podcast so beloved. It’s the glitches that remind you we’re humans, and amateurs, Pkarlgh.
I’ve known Mike for quite awhile. We can’t remember exactly how long so we estimate.
I start by trying to pay Mike a compliment that is actually sort of an insult.
A few weeks ago I thought it would be a good idea to do an uncontroversial show so I picked the subject of racism. I called Mike and he agreed to be on the podcast!
First, with much anxiety, I assume Mike is a black guy. It turns out, I’m right.
It seems black and African American used to be the same thing. Mike gives his perspective on people who ‘don’t see color’.
Perhaps we need a better definition of ‘black’ to get a conversation going. People maybe would rather be polite than accurate. And perhaps our attempt to avoid racism results in the most racist statements.
As the podcast continues and we discuss privilege, the military, Christianity, and comedy. (Eventually, the Peaches says stuff.)
Mike tells white people ‘what to do’. Finally, we have some directions!  He also has some excellent advice for people no matter what color they happen to be.
McGruff the Crime Dog had a different impact on Mike than he did on me. Grade school visits created conversations in his house that I never had.
(The phone rings and scare the daylights out of EVERYONE. Then, somebody starts and engine outside my house or a vacuum or something.  We need a soundproof studio but we’ll never have one.)
Some discussion of the Civil War happens next and we float some uncomfortable theories. I blame the Peaches for the awkwardness.
We may do a comedy show about racism. What should that look like?  Mike answers with sympathy for white guys…believe it or not.
Peaches asks me about pitfalls of the potential comedy show.  She links racism to feminism and the accusations that she is barefoot and pregnant all the time. (Barefoot not as much but she has been pregnant a lot…)
We decided that we probably won’t eliminate racism entirely. Probably…
Mike has a doctor appointment so we wrap up. Mike mentions that ‘Peaches’ is a stripper name. He’s not wrong but that’s not why I call her that.
Go see Mike’s website, Pkarl.  Be his fan too: http://www.comedianmikegoodwin.com/

Why Fundamentalists Should Fear Science

The greatest evil ever foisted on mankind is Untruth.

Falsehood never results in joy.

Falsehood always brings darkness, suffering, and death.

But not right away!

You tolerate untruth because it kills you slowly.

Lies are not lobotomies.

They’re a slow growing cancer that gradually turns your mind to mush.

Every day that you keep lies in your head…

…you get a little more stupid.

In my opinion, Fundamentalists are the stupidest people on Earth.

Fundamentalist is the term I used to describe someone who refuses to question their own beliefs.

Fundamentalists are immune to science, logic, and reason.

This recent conversation with a Fundamentalist will serve nicely as an example.

I asked for ‘clear Scientific Evidence’ that is contrary to scripture.

You gave me vague scripture references.

I cannot answer whether or not I would ‘believe the bible over science and evidence’ until you tell me what evidence you mean!

 

That is a faith statement.

I would be super-interested in seeing the scientific evidence that disproves the Genesis flood!

Yes! That is exactly the way the burden of proof works.

Sadly, your Fundamentalist’s brain thinks I’m the one who made a claim.

I’ve just asked for scientific evidence.

Here are some examples of claims:

Science disproves the flood.

Science disproves creation, resurrection from the dead, floating axe heads, and talking donkeys.

Stay with me now…this might be difficult to understand…

I can’t provide evidence for claims I haven’t made.

However, I’m a charitable chap so I’ll go ahead and offer a little science anyway.

And this is where we’ll leave the conversation.

If splitting headaches are your idea of fun, you can read the entire exchange here.

I want to close this post with a plea to my Christian brothers and sisters.

Do Not Be Fundamentalists!

Fundamentalism is untruth pretending to be knowledge.

Fundamentalism is an impregnable fortress of stubbornness.

When you spend all your time demanding that other people ‘prove you wrong’…

…be uneasy.

Wise people spend their time making sure they’re right.

When evidence indicates that you’re wrong…

…change your mind.

Jesus Doesn’t Welcome Sinners

The internet allows knowledge to spread quickly around the world.

The internet allows stupidity to spread just as quickly.

Actually, stupidity spreads faster than knowledge.

Acquiring knowledge requires a little effort.

Stupidity soaks in by osmosis.

Osmosis will teach you that Jesus was inclusive.

Stupidity raises no questions about statements like this:

“We know Jesus as loving and kind, but he was also a passionate advocate for change. History indicates he was a witty philosopher and a bold reformer. He is perhaps best known for reaching out to the disenfranchised—the women, the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the lepers, the tax collectors. Jesus made it clear that the kingdom of God—the here-and-now possibility of perfection on earth—was for everyone.

At the risk of upsetting the Jesus-was-a-social-reformer-who-loved-everyone-and-tolerated-everything folks…

…this is pretty stupid.

Jesus was not an ADVOCATE for change.

Jesus WAS the change.

Without Christ, we’re dead in our sins.

This was the repeated theme of his ‘witty philosophy’.

I am the way, the truth and the life…

He didn’t say, “I KNOW the way.”

And as for ‘reaching out to the disenfranchised’…

…your list is too short.

We were ALL disenfranchised from God.

(The Bible term is ‘sinners’ but I know that’s an ugly word that makes you feel icky and judged.)

Jesus was clear about what will happen when you decide to stay ‘disenfranchised’.

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” – Mat. 7:21

Nowhere.

Absolutely nowhere.

Did Jesus even hint at a ‘ here-and-now possibility of perfection on earth’.

The kingdom of heaven is NOT for ‘everyone’.

Jesus does not welcome sinners into God’s family.

Jesus welcomes sinless people into God’s family.

He’s very exclusive.

He’s completely intolerant of selfishness, wickedness, and rebelliousness.

 

There will be no unity until sin is removed.

And Jesus is the ONLY way to remove sin.

 

The Evolution of Evolution

Biology, philosophy, mathematics and ‘Evolution’ are not friends.

You wouldn’t know that unless you occasionally read things that aren’t atheist drivel.

I feel kinda bad for Evolution.

It started out as a simple, happy-go-lucky theory about life on Earth.

But as it aged, it got cranky.

Evolution is now a wrinkled curmudgeon shrieking at other sciences, “Get off my lawn!”

I feel bad because this isn’t entirely Evolution’s fault.

The fault lies, ironically, with the theory’s most enthusiastic supporters.

Atheists!

Or…humanists, free-thinkers, Brights, anti-theists, pagans, heathen, godless, intellectuals, omniscient super-beings…

…whatever you want to call them.

They put too much pressure on Evolution.

They set expectations too high.

They won’t let it be a happy-go-lucky explanation for the diversity of life on Earth.

Now, Evolution is expected to explain EVERYTHING.

It is supposed to explain something coming from nothing.

It is supposed to explain the origins of life.

It is supposed to explain consciousness.

It is supposed to explain morality.

It is supposed to explain emotions.

And it just can’t do it!

No single theory should be expected to explain all that!

(I mean, no single SECULAR theory….)

That’s a lot of pressure on a hapless hypothesis.

And Evolution has cracked under that pressure.

So next time Evolution snaps at you, respond gently.

It’s having a rough time these days.

It’s Time To Quit Loving Your Church

 

If you’ve been alive and literate for more than 15 minutes, you’ve seen that phrase before.

 

It’s time to erase it.

Remove it from the T-shirts.

Scrape off the bumper stickers.

Uproot the signage from the front yard.

This message distracts from the church’s real message.

“I Love My Church” is like saying, “I Love Applebee’s”

The response is usually a shrug and a mumbled, “Good for you.”

I know what you’re going to say.

“John, people will ask why I love my church! Then I’ll tell them!”

Of course, you will.

You’ll tell them about the awesome children’s program.

You’ll tell them about the great music.

You’ll tell them your pastor preaches barefoot and is ‘really relatable’.

You’ll tell them nobody will judge them.

You’ll tell them there are 3 convenient service times.

You’ll tell them donuts and coffee are free.

And at the end of your sales pitch, they’ll shrug and mumble, “Good for you.”

But maybe not!

They might leave their current church and visit yours!

If your church offers better amenities, they might stick around awhile.

Until they encounter another “I Love My Church” T-shirt.

It’s taken a couple of generations for us to transform ‘The Church’ into an idol.

But we’ve finally succeeded!

The modern Church blots out the view of the Cross.

We’re happy to tell people about Jesus…

…later.

First, we gotta make them feel welcome!

We gotta get em’ in the door!

We gotta let them know they made the right choice on Sunday morning.

“Thanks for joining us! Thanks so very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

Harsh reality.

You don’t actually love your church.

You love your church ‘brand’.

The church is anyone, anywhere who follows Jesus.

Be honest.

That’s not what you were thinking when you put on that T-shirt.

Baby Predictions, Employment and Socialized Medicine

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In this EXTENDED EPISODE…The Farkas Family talks with me and Peaches about babies and socialism.  PLUS – Background noises provided by Emery Jane throughout the show!
 
Peaches knows the gender of her unborn child and refuses to tell us. Tabby has 100% success predicting the gender of children (prior to birth) and we quiz her about her own child.  I offer my guess based on sound, scientific investigation.
 
I try to explain how weird it is that we have a lot of Mike and Jennys. The kids don’t think it’s as weird as I do because they’re pretty disrespectful. I try to explain another bizarre coincidence but screw up the details inviting even more mockery.
 
It is apparently illegal in the Farkas family to have a child in the month of August.
 
Eventually, we get around to criticizing Tabby because she accuses us of being argumentative when SHE is the one who argues. She tells us we’re wrong which just proves our point.
 
I reveal the only things that REALLY matters to me. Then we attack Tabby for her outrageous views on minimum wage.
 
Tabby tells a story from where she works. We all decide that Tabby is actually a troll. She should live under a bridge and eat goats.
 
Then the Tabster hypothesizes that career women don’t like their careers. This is such a shockingly anti-feminist view that I’m on the verge of fainting just typing this sentence.
 
Immigration comes up and we try to figure it all out because we’re patriots who love our country. We fail. Sorry, America.
 
There is a problem with equating legality with morality. And the law shouldn’t be broken just because there’s a hurricane.
 
To some folks, separation of church and state means religious people should never speak in public. We are not those folks.
 
When we start talking about labor laws, we get into some disagreements. So we remind you, Pkarlgh, disagreements do not mean we hate each other.
 
Joe explains that employers want to pay employees the minimum possible. That’s true. I have trouble convincing him that crappy employees are not desirable for the bottom line.
 
Generally speaking, insurance and health care is a gigantic mess. We don’t figure this out either. Sorry, America (again).
 
I tell my aircraft engine repairman vs. floor sweeping guy story. It’s something I’m very proud of that nobody else seems to appreciate.
 
Peaches explains that money is a symbol that represents an agreement. Nobody appreciates this sentiment either.
 
Morality and ethics can’t be forced on anybody. Immoral people will break the laws.
 
I had a conversation with a friend who told me he didn’t trust “rich people”.  He didn’t seem to understand that the government (who he did trust) was made up of rich people.
 
The episode closes with the Tabby and Joe leaving so Joe can sleep and Tabby can do some voice-over recordings. If you want to hire Tabby to sell your product, hit me up on Facebook and I’ll put you in touch with her. (If you want to sell swimming pools, DEFINITELY get in touch with her.)
 

Check out this episode!

We Value Your Opinion!

I get this stuff all the time.

“Take a minute to let us know how we’re doing.”

“Fill out this survey, we value your opinion!”

“Send feedback on your recent experience with us.”

My opinion matters.

I’m thrilled to share my wisdom.

“Let me tell you the truth about your chalupas…”

Companies clamor to hear my thoughts.

And I’m making a difference!

I’m making the world…no…

…I’m making the Universe a better place to live.

Because of me, hotel pillows are fluffier.

Pizza crusts are tastier.

Grocery store coupons are more convenient.

Yeah. I’m responsible for all those things and much, much more.

There’s one internationally recognized brand that refers to me as “Elite”.

I can show you the card if you don’t believe me.

Every day I’m reassured that my opinions are priceless.

My thoughts are super-important.

It’s not a problem until the church starts to believe this.

And the mission becomes excellent customer service.

“Tell us what music you like!”

“Tell us what you think of our new Children’s Center!”

“Tell us which Bible verses offend you so we can avoid them!”

Ugh.

The church must stop asking people for their opinions.

There are thousands of places to go and offer your opinion.

The church is the only place to go and hear the truth.

And the truth is, my opinion isn’t all that valuable.