Elon Buys Twitter and We’re All Saved
Have you heard the news? Elon Musk might buy Twitter! The control of a social media company could go from a godless, progressive billionaire to a godless billionaire who sometimes says things that upset progressives. I’m in agreement with the elated, conservative masses that this is the most important thing to ever happen in the […]
My Kids Teacher Is A Crocodile
My kid’s kindergarten teacher is a crocodile. I mean, an actual crocodile. She’s 13-feet long, weights about 300 pounds, and her toothy jaws are powerful enough to snap bones in half. I think it’s wonderful that our school doesn’t discriminate and I’m celebrating that my child has the opportunity to learn from a teacher whose […]
Maybe Everything Won’t Be Fine
Flipping through the Bible (actually, I’m not just flipping through because it’s difficult to read that way) I’ve noticed that the upbeat, optimistic, positive thinkers are often the people I’m told to avoid. Sure, there are some encouraging verses about casting my cares on the Lord and leaning not on my own understanding, but I’m […]
What A Predator Says
It’s not difficult to recognize predators. When I say ‘predators,’ I don’t mean velociraptors or grizzly bears (although both of them are easy to recognize). I’m talking about predators who want to abuse your children emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. Those predators are actually much more dangerous than grizzly bears because they look like ordinary people […]
Worship Those Congressional Celebrities
I’ve seen you post about the new Supreme Court justice appointee as if she’s a member of your family. I’m grateful to be distracted by more important things like the number of nightcrawlers on the sidewalk in front of my house. As you open your mouth to say, “John, you jerk! You felt differently when […]
Which News Source Is Your Salvation?
Are you going to align yourself with the lies of Fox News, the deceptions of MSNBC, or the corruption of CNN? If you’re a Christian, your preferred source of propaganda matters far more than your theology. Nobody cares what you believe about atonement, repentance, holiness, or the Sermon on the Mount. Everybody cares what you […]
How I Know We’re In Trouble
I had an idea when I heard that the University of Pennsylvania let Lia Thomas participate on the women’s swim team. According to regressive nitwits who cling to the superstitious beliefs of biological gender, Thomas is not a woman. As one of those regressive nitwits, I suggested swim teams add a trans-human (dolphin that identifies […]
Maybe Stick to Comedy
“Stay in your lane, John Branyan! You’re supposed to be funny! Just stick to comedy!” I hear this almost every time I write about anything that isn’t self deprecating (that means, I’m not making fun of myself). You seem to think comedians are only allowed to comment on things like fashion, airplane food, or the […]
Never Trust Preachers You Can’t Criticize
Mike Winger teaches bible stuff on his YouTube channel. He’s not afraid to cover difficult or controversial topics. Among Mike’s MANY MANY MANY videos on various subjects, there is a critique of one of Joel Osteen’s sermons. The video has gotten a lot of views and the Lakewood Church (where Osteen operates) has filed a […]
Just Say Nothing
I know you think the most important thing a Christian can do is get along with everybody. The primary commandment according to popular theologians is, “Be nice.” You’ve internalized the dogma that, “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” However, in your efforts to accommodate every depraved doctrine […]