How Dare You?
Who’s the stupidest person you know? I can’t name just one. It’s a multi-person tie. All of them, characters in movies. In a certain scene. The scene where a powerful villain enters a room. …by blowing a hole in the concrete wall with a fireball shot from his fingers. He waves his hand, the earth shakes […]
Breaking Rules Rules!
It’s time someone had the guts to say what everyone is thinking. Catholics suck! Always telling everyone how to behave. Young people won’t tolerate those outdated prescripts. Right, young people? (A prescript is like, you know, a rule or something…) Now, AM I RIGHT, YOUNG PEOPLE? The only thing this generation of humans has in common with their […]
Solving Rubik
I tried to solve the Rubik’s Cube years ago. Persistence payed off. I solved it. It took hours of concentration …turning the cube over in my hands …studying the the colored squares …gently peeling the stickers off …reapplying them in perfect alignment I’ll admit my solution was a hollow victory. But the invention of a […]
I Need More Info
If you’re worried about what I might say on stage, …don’t let me go on stage. Seriously. Hire a quartet. Or a motivational speaker. Or better yet …a mime. But don’t have a trusted source refer me …then visit my website …then read dozens of glowing reviews …then watch sample clips …then talk to my booking […]
Accept This!
Worthless. A layer of foam on my face doesn’t reduce razor friction. Most shaving cream is this. Worthless foam layer. By shave’s end, There’s a tiny, froth-covered murder scene on my chin. I’ll use foam when nothing else is available. That is to say, I can tolerate it. But shave oil works better. Skeptics, give it a […]
The Red Yoyo Club
A story about where we’ll end up when we become perfectly inclusive.
And It Changed Nothing
There is nothing extraordinary about the way thiis story started. A guy was walking on the side of the road, carrying two giant duffle bags. So my brother-in-law Bobby picked him up and gave him a ride to the next town. Dropped him at the gas station. The guy turned and said, “Thanks for the […]
Tears for Toys
We were talking about crying. Two men, sitting in a booth eating lunch… at a truck stop. Surrounded by guys in ball caps and overalls. Could hardly smell the burgers cooking. Too much testosterone in the air. As we discussed crying. And the movie that causes it to happen. Toy Story 3. He sort of […]
Fair Share
Conan O’Brien has his own show on television! I don’t. You don’t either. Unless you’re Jimmy Kimmel and if you are, keep reading. You need to hear this! HOW IS THAT FAIR? It’s not. Obviously. The television show gap between Conan and other Americans is staggering. The question is, what are we going to do about […]
Injected with Joy
Mold-A-Rama Sounds like what happens to a loaf of bread after a couple of days on the table. But it’s nothing like that. It’s worse. Imagine yourself as a child being given, as a gift, …a plastic bust of Abraham Lincoln. How would you receive such an offering? Would you utter some […]