You're An F'ing Idiot
(Inspired by a conversation overheard at McDonald’s) There are many hundreds of English language adjectives. There’s no excuse for just using one. Especially when your chosen word isn’t even an adjective. It’s either a vulgar verb or plebeian noun. To overuse an actual adjective would make you sound like a moron. “Good!” What’s the matter? […]
No. There's No Plank In My Eye.
“Don’t judge” is what you say when you don’t have anything useful to contribute.
Your Excellent Worship Isn't
“Come! Let us worship the Lord together!” And the band launches into a lively riff. The song leader steps up to the microphone. His voice rings out. It’s amazing! As the music swells, I’m overwhelmed by one thought: …”This band ought to produce a CD!” …Luckily, they’re on iTunes. I can’t make out the words […]
Be Merry! Smell This!
It is a well-established tradition in America. Christmas means Bigfoot. And when you think of Bigfoot… …you think of personal hygiene. So Dr. Squatch Soap is the ideal yuletide gift. And I have some to give away: This is my favorite soap. (I didn’t even HAVE a favorite soap until Dr. Squatch.) Not just because […]
How to Know If You're Weak
So this happened in my beloved home state. (Special thanks to my son-in-law for calling it to my attention and giving me an early Christmas gift of cynicism.) The gist of the article is the Freedom From Religion people… …brought legal action against Concord High School… …for trying to include a nativity scene in the […]
How To Coldcock A Lady
The weekly meeting of the “Old Lady Bludgeoning Club” will come to order. The Secretary will read the club’s mission statement. “The OLBC exists to promote good will toward fellow members. Also to pummel old ladies wherever they’re found.” Thank you, Mr. Secretary. We recently received a complaint from a non-member that warrants the club’s […]
No Judgement Here
I know how much it bothers you to be judged. So I’m not going to do it. I haven’t lived your life. I’ve not drunk from the fountain of your experience. I’ve never swung from the limbs of your consciousness tree. I’ve never cashed a reality check at your bank of moral perspective. I get […]
This Is Who REALLY Won The GOP Debate
Donald Trump. He’s the candidate that everyone admires. Brash. Unapologetic. Confident. We love that! We don’t even notice his lack of substance. So… I’m going to write this like Donald Trump. I’ve done a lot of stuff. I’ve written books. I’ve performed on stage. I’ve made money. I’ve been successful. People like me. I talked […]
I'm Not Gonna Love Like Jesus
Here’s a comment that was recently made about this article. A little antagonistic and lacking the love that Jesus taught. Do you think Jesus would post something like that? Or do you think he would exercise patients and kindness. I get these kinds of comments frequently. Unless I write about stuff nobody cares about. Which […]
Sex Addiction Is No Excuse
Experts are debating about whether or not… …Sex addiction is a real thing. I’m not bold enough to proclaim myself an ‘expert’ on sex… …but I’m certainly not a novice either. Besides… … I never let a lack of qualifications prohibit my commentary. I think sex addiction is real… …because of Heroin. Heroin is the most efficient way to […]