Benefit of Oblivious
The most powerful force on Earth is stupidity. Morons are the mightiest beings among us. TSA Precheck. It speeds up the process of going through airport security. It’s great. Or, it was great. But then… Morons. There is a qualification process that enables you to use the TSA Precheck line. … A ‘Precheck’ if […]
2nd Hand Death
It kills! Millions die every year! It says so on a billboard. So I’m sure it’s true. Still, I wonder… How do we know? Vending machines kill 13 people every year. I believe it. Wouldn’t take a forensic expert to make that call. “We found him squashed under the candy machine.” Obviously, vending machine killed […]
Noble Ambivalence
The memes have spoken! This one: This one: And this one, a quote from God Himself… But my favorite is probably this one: Okay, memes, message received. Don’t judge people because I don’t know their story. I haven’t walked in their shoes Sorry! I’m assuming they wear shoes. I’m being […]
How Dare You?
Who’s the stupidest person you know? I can’t name just one. It’s a multi-person tie. All of them, characters in movies. In a certain scene. The scene where a powerful villain enters a room. …by blowing a hole in the concrete wall with a fireball shot from his fingers. He waves his hand, the earth shakes […]
Breaking Rules Rules!
It’s time someone had the guts to say what everyone is thinking. Catholics suck! Always telling everyone how to behave. Young people won’t tolerate those outdated prescripts. Right, young people? (A prescript is like, you know, a rule or something…) Now, AM I RIGHT, YOUNG PEOPLE? The only thing this generation of humans has in common with their […]
Solving Rubik
I tried to solve the Rubik’s Cube years ago. Persistence payed off. I solved it. It took hours of concentration …turning the cube over in my hands …studying the the colored squares …gently peeling the stickers off …reapplying them in perfect alignment I’ll admit my solution was a hollow victory. But the invention of a […]
I Need More Info
If you’re worried about what I might say on stage, …don’t let me go on stage. Seriously. Hire a quartet. Or a motivational speaker. Or better yet …a mime. But don’t have a trusted source refer me …then visit my website …then read dozens of glowing reviews …then watch sample clips …then talk to my booking […]
Accept This!
Worthless. A layer of foam on my face doesn’t reduce razor friction. Most shaving cream is this. Worthless foam layer. By shave’s end, There’s a tiny, froth-covered murder scene on my chin. I’ll use foam when nothing else is available. That is to say, I can tolerate it. But shave oil works better. Skeptics, give it a […]
The Red Yoyo Club
A story about where we’ll end up when we become perfectly inclusive.
And It Changed Nothing
There is nothing extraordinary about the way thiis story started. A guy was walking on the side of the road, carrying two giant duffle bags. So my brother-in-law Bobby picked him up and gave him a ride to the next town. Dropped him at the gas station. The guy turned and said, “Thanks for the […]